I had planned to spend this weekend doing nothing but reading Harry Potter, but 170 pages into Deathly Hallows, I find myself with the itch to write a science fiction story. Funny, sometimes I can't force myself to write, sometimes I can't force myself to stop.
Here are the first 13.
George David Abraham was the first president of the United States to use the words “God damn” in his Inaugural Address. “America,” he said, “Is a republic, not a God damn democracy. If you don’t know the difference, you have grounds to sue whatever school you went to. You’ve elected me your president. For the next four years, I intend to lead.” He got a standing ovation. “How does he get away with saying things like that?” asked Press Secretary Andre Sanderson. “He beat the Martians,” said Chief of Staff Richard Sword. “He can say any damn thing he wants.” “And the people’s gratitude will last?” Andre asked. “I give it another three days. Then we’ll see.”
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
Love it!
Now what?
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
These first 13 look okay technically. The feisty President has a lot of support, at least at his inauguration. You bring in interplanetary war sci fi, but if the Martians are beaten, it's over. Other than partisan sniping and popularity contests, I don't see a conflict in the there.
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
George. David. Abraham. All presidential names. (David isn't, but it sounds presidential.) George and Abraham are indisputably "great" presidents to most people, too. Nice
I like it, too. I think I could nitpick, but I like it enough that I won't.
Okay... I'm a bit uncertain about the first line. I like it, but then we are shown the same thing a few lines later. Maybe you could sink it down the text a bit? Like after he says the line, say, "That was the first time..." Just a thought.
Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :
EDIT: Nevermind... there's been enough talk about the 1-13 lately
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited July 21, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Rick, this sounds great! I had one nit, and that was just that the Prez sounds so forceful until he used the word "lead"
You’ve elected me your president. For the next four years, I intend to act like one."
This seems to have a little more bite to it, because he is inferring criticism of other (deomocratic) presidents.
Please send it along when you are ready for a read. It sounds very interesting.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
I disagree with Deb. I like the sound of a take-charge president. Sounds a bit like Andrew Jackson. You know what a bas**rd he could be.
I only had one nit:
quote: asked Press Secretary Andre Sanderson
This looks kind-of clunky, and I don't know that press secretary should be capitalized. Other than that, I'm hooked.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
JeffBarton, I disagree. You don't get explicit conflict, but you're completely set up for it. And look at all the information you have, given to you practically without you even noticing it:
[*] Setting: America, not-too-distant future, after a war with the Martians. The form of government isn't too different from today's (as seen by the republic/democracy talk and the titles of Abraham's staff).
[*] Conflict: Tough-as-nails President is riding high on popular support. The air is charged: anything this man touches will be potential for conflict. (Think about George W. Bush saying that he gained political capital in the election, and intended to spend it.) There lurk the possibilities of Abraham taking more power than he should, a cynical staff allowing him to be undermined, and even -- though only as a possibility -- revolution.
[*] Character: Abraham is a doer. "He beat the Martians," not "He led the army that beat the Martians." He's not afraid to buck social norms, he's not genteel, and he doesn't have patience for stupidity. When he says he intends to lead, he means it. On the other hand, Sword is pragmatic, savvy, confident, and a little cynical. He's a political machine. Sanderson is the "weakest" character -- hardest to judge -- but he seems like a worrier, maybe a little naive.
It's a great opening. It makes me say, "okay, now what?" (Oh, I already said that.)
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited July 21, 2007).]
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
Yes, Oliver, the setting is familiar. That's one thing that makes it not a hook. I'd give you the Martians, but they're already beaten.
The conflict isn't shown. Your possibilities are all possible, but I'd like to know more about the one the author is putting in this story. My reaction will be much different for scifi consequences of the Martian war than for White House staff intrigue or a power grab. My point is that there should be some indication of it in the first 13.
The character is certainly a character. That alone can be the hook. In the absence of a conflict, the hook has to stand on the character.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
Fair enough!
Posted by Croatoa (Member # 5785) on :
HAH!
I love the idea!
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
I like the premise.
I feel a slight hook and I suppose with the martian mention this meant to be Sci-fi but I don't fell I know the president enough to like him, yet.
Of course this is only the first 13 but I want one more clue about the president, maybe an accent to give a cultural clue.
I can see this president being a Southerner(ala Jackson), a Texan (ala Perot); But I can also see this presdient being a brash Reagan or a cruder Kennedy.
letting the reader know where the president hails helps us to build an image of him.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Many thanks for the critiques. I'll let you know when the story is finished. The "David", by the way, is borrowed from Dwight David Eisenhower.
Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :
This could go many places, among them Retrospectively, looking back on the war. A study of a sci-fi Eisenhower, Grant, etc... I'm hooked early on and eager to read more.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
This story came in at about 3300 words. Anyone who would like to critique the first draft, let me know.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
knock me out, rick!
Posted by EP Kaplan (Member # 5688) on :
I'll give the full story a look over.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
If you still want readers I'd like to read it, not least to discover the connection between poppies, Martians and the President.
Cheers, Pat
Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :
It caught my interest. Send it along!
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Thanks to all who critiqued the manuscript. It's off to Baen's Universe. I'll keep you all posted.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
good luck! I'll keep my fingers crossed!
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I didn't post at all yesterday because I got three (3) rejections in one day. First, Baen's Universe bounced this story, then a math article the referee kept for two years he returned with the comment "not very interesting", and third "The Bible In Limericks" was bounced by GUD. The latter verse has been bounced by more markets than anything else I've written -- I could almost think people don't want to read The Bible in limericks.
The rejection for Let a Thousand Poppies Bloom was very nice -- Nancy Fulda loved, adored!, the opening paragraph, so I guess first 13s are working for me. And she said the story held her interest all the way to the end. But -- too political, no character arc. She invited me to workshop it in Baen's Bar, which I'll do if I can't sell it elsewhere. But I'm going to try for a sale first.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
that's interesting. Was the "too political" about the middle east or about the poppies, do you know?
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
Rick,
if you would like another set of eyes for the story i'd be willing to look over this.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
hell yes Andrew Jackson is back in office!
But seriously, nice hook I already like the character, I'm just not sure who our MC is yet, or our pov.
And for the record the hook is the likeable character of the president, and a curiosity of a world that has, presumable, just defeated an alien invasion. Anything that makes me want to read on is a hook, and this is a good one.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 02, 2007).]
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
The "too political" was about the ending. That, combined with the requirement of a "character arc" has pushed one of my buttons, to wit:
Most great characters do not have a "character arc". Tarzan is always Tarzan, Mickey Mouse is always Mickey Mouse. But in college writing class, they teach you that plot exists only in the service of character, and a character must change in the course of a story. Well, yes and no. That's one way to write a story. Heinlein called it, the man who learns better. But most of the golden age sf writers didn't have a character arc, they had a problem and a character who solved the problem. The character needed to be interesting: Dr. Susan Calvin, Nicholas van Rijn, Hari Seldon -- but the story was about solving a problem, much the way a mystery story is about solving a crime.
Which makes me wonder, is "character arc" what readers really crave, or is it just what english teachers like?
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
My opinion is that character arc is needed in a larger work like a novel. A character may gain confidence as she gets through several challenges, may gain insight as other characters or circumstances are revealed or may wind up dead if he screws up too badly. I think those character changes take time and long, or multiple, exposure to character-changing experiences. Over the span of a short story, I doubt that a character’s arc should be required to bend more than a little -- barring being bitten by a vampire.
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
In my estimation, character arc isn't limited to the grand growth of awareness, or the blossoming into adulthood, or anything else that is immense and significant. A character arc is the character moving from their opening position in the book, through whatever challenges and failures they experience, and results in the successful completion of the plot that is laid out by the author, and arriving in a slightly different form than before. Sometimes the character will grow in significant and noticeable ways. Sometimes they will simply learn the trick to disarming bombs in time to save the city from a madman. Sometimes their stubborn lack of change is the arc in itself - the world changed around Okonkwo, and his refusal to change leads to his downfall, and the termination Achebe's plot.
A novel where the MC does not encounter challenges and only succeeds at all times I would find boring, personally.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
I'm with Wolfe_boy on this. If the character has to figure something out in order to resolve the story, then the character has changed. If the author can make that change something more than that the character is a little bit smarter, or knows how to disarm a bomb, or whatever, by giving the character an insight into him or herself or into human nature, then that makes the whole story more powerful.
Posted by Matt Lust (Member # 3031) on :
John Campbell was famous for writing "who cares" at the end of a story where no character changes
Not having read your story, I can't say no one changes or that no one cares but this maybe what was meant by "character arc"
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Corky and Wolfie and Lusty are probably right, and I'm just in denial, because I like my problem solving ending to the story. I'm seriously considering doing a rewrite to follow the editor's advice.
This is as good a place to mention another rejection slip, this one from Boy's Life. I know Boy's Life is a hard sell, but I had high hopes. I always have high hopes.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
he changes other characters, though. does that count? Look at I Robot - the robot doesn't change emotionally or intellectually, but he profoundly changes the people he interacts with. Well, actually, he changes himself on some levels, but at his core he is unchanging.
