Immanuel Schmidt became all-powerful in the end, but he was born like any mortal, into a state of utter helplessness and dependence. His earliest memories, before he gained total recall, were of hunger pains, screaming, and a vague cloudy shape that he came to think of as Mother. He remembered, an overlay of many individual memories, a bottle, which he eagerly sucked until it fell out of his mouth. He began to scream and the Mother shape loomed into view, made loud noises and a blur of movement that stung his cheek. More screams, more hunger.
His first exercise is self control consisted of lying still, keeping absolutely motionless except for his sucking cheeks, to delay as long as possible the moment when the bottle fell out of his mouth.
Why tell me this? Why not let the reader find out for himself, and make his own judgements? This is spoiling the story for me.
I feel its always better to just start the story. This first line leads you into telling the reader whats going on, instead of showing, and it feels like your constantly trying to break free of telling.
A narrative foreshadowing in the first line isn't necessarily bad, to me. I think they work when you they show a contrast, a bit of the absurd. "Chuck Schmucker didn't know he'd kill thirteen world leaders when he sat down to eat his Rice Krispies--or sleep with all of their wives, but..."
(And I should note that I actually knew a man named Chuck Schmucker. He lives in Illinois, in a town famed for its population of 800 albino squirrels. There's a story in there, somewhere...)
quote:
He began to scream and the Mother shape loomed into view, made loud noises and a blur of movement that stung his cheek.
To me, this is a bit of a hook. It shows a mother who slaps an infant for crying. Doesn't sound like the most loving mother.
So its the character part that hooks me, but I'm looking for more than sucking on a bottle very soon. I know to know Immanuel currently.
into a state of utter helplessness and dependence
I think we get this part when we see he's an infant in the following lines. It could probably be trimmed--though it does show a contrast between omnipotence and helplessness.
If there's a conflict in the story, you might start there. If you think his infancy is the right place to start, maybe you get past the other stuff and start with something like this:
quote:
[Immanuel Schmidt's] first exercise in self control consisted of lying still, keeping absolutely motionless except for his sucking cheeks, to delay as long as possible the moment when the bottle fell out of his mouth.
I don't know. Maybe if we knew more about the story we'd be able to make better suggestions.
In general, I feel a little hooked by the "all-powerful" promise. That's your fantasy connection.
The rest of the first 13 is depressing. After "state of utter helplessness" everything else that happens preys on that helplessness.
I have difficulty believing the self control. That might be possible at 10-12 months, I think. You don't put any timeline in these 13 lines, so it sounds like an newborn is doing something consciously.
quote:See how different advice can be? For me, that is the hook. It's not particularly believable, but neither was Paul Muad'Dib's sister Alia, either, and I ended up totally buying that. The all-powerful bit doesn't really move me at all.
I have difficulty believing the self control. That might be possible at 10-12 months, I think. You don't put any timeline in these 13 lines, so it sounds like an newborn is doing something consciously.
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited July 25, 2007).]
Actually let me phrase that differently, it does a great job at describing things but it doesn't actually demonstrate how these things are important to the story.
I have character(s) but no reason to like them.
I would call this a starts to late beginning. I don't mind the description of birth but its a little out of place this early.
I'd rather have more reason to accept Immanuel Schmidt as a person I want to know more about before you present this part of the story.
It is fundamentally a philosophical story -- maybe I should try the New Yorker. I've been rejected by them before.
But while the idea of starting "with the hint of total power followed by the picture of total helplessness" is logical, philosophical maybe, the picture of total helplessness is unattractive, passive, and fails to draw me in. And the mother figure seems scary and I wonder if this will be a horror story (which I don't read).
For me the first 13 portends a long, plodding walk through the character's childhood, teens and adulthood before we learn about his (her?) power.
Maybe give some thought to the structure? Draw us in more with a sketch of today's power, how total recall feels right now(positive and negative), and then (perhaps with flashbacks, sorry if you don't like those) examine how the character beat the negative side of total recall and survived?
Just a thought,
Pat