Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Treaty

This is topic Treaty in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by jhust (Member # 2499) on :

I've been thinking a lot about character development lately and wanted to rework an opener I posted ages ago. Genre is sci-fi. I have a bit more to this, but I'm not looking for someone to read the rest just yet. I am looking for feedback on exposition. I have a tendency to withhold information I think. I want to make sure it flows and leaves no question as to what is happening:

Once Farran noticed the cluster of Scourge warships penetrating the clouds, he knew the negotiations had failed. He clenched his fists and shook his head. Why hadn't Irid given him a council seat instead of this pointless errand so many miles away? When he had finally reached the Darga village, their elders had brushed away his request for an envoy like a fly trying to spoil their supper. They were skilled warriors, which fueled their pride and independence. The hum of Scourge propulsion systems rattled the jungle. A pack of saber-rats scurried right between Farran's feet, screeching as they searched for new shelter. The Darga way, he thought. Farran spied several more ships linking up, then the detachment of armored Scourge soldiers plummeting from the lowest ship to his position.

[This message has been edited by jhust (edited July 28, 2007).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

There is certainly information here, maybe at the expense of really getting the story going with conflict. Some of the information poses questions - what is a saber-rat? What does it look like? Why is it called a saber-rat?

"The hum of Scourge propulsion systems rattled the jungle." Maybe the roar of Scourge propulsion systems rattled the jungle, but I have a hard time believing the mere hum of something is going to rattle anything - much less a jungle.

"...soldiers plummeting from the lowest ship..." Plummeting is pretty strong here - I got the impression they were falling from the ship. Plummeting how? Parachutes? In vehicles?

I think this could be tightened up, some of the information given later - hook us with writing that conveys conflict and urgency in the opening.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

I think your writing is too compact. Like the proverbial young man from Japan, you're trying to cram as many words into a line as you possibly can. I do this, too, sometimes, but when I rewrite I use a sledgehammer to break up the blocks of prose. Below, you can see what that sledgehammer does to your first 13:

"Negotiations had failed. Farran saw the cluster of Scourge warships penetrating the clouds. He clenched his fists. Why had Irid given him this pointless errand instead of a seat on the council? He gritted his teeth and continued on to the Darga village, where the elders brushed away his request for aid as if he were a fly spoiling their supper. The Darga were warriors, proud and independent.

The hum of Scourge propulsion systems rattled the jungle. A pack of saber-rats scurried between Farran's feet, screeching as they searched for new shelter. The Darga way, he thought, every rat for himself. Several more ships appeared in the sky, linking up. A detachment of armored Scourge soldiers plummeted from the lowest ship toward his position."

In general: "Once" is not an active first word. Avoid genunds: "penetrated" instead of "penetrating". State the positive rather than the negative: "Why had..." instead of "Why hadn't..." Avoid participles: "brushed" instead of "had brushed". Avoid words that add nothing: "between" instead of "right between". Break all of these rules if you have a good reason, but know the reason.

[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited July 29, 2007).]

Posted by jhust (Member # 2499) on :

Excellent feedback, guys! Rick, you are spot-on.