Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Innocent- working title for sf (?) s-s

This is topic The Innocent- working title for sf (?) s-s in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Genre: Somewhere between sci fi and horror, I think
Total Length: about 3000 words

It's in third draft but the other day I had the sinking feeling my premise has a fatal flaw... Anyway, I'd appreciate any comments on the first 13, and offers to read the whole thing. Thanks!

The Innocent

Jimmy crouched behind the dumpster. The ridges of the revolver’s handle dug into his palm. He forced himself to exhale as he listened to the shuffle of feet passing by..
Keith squatted beside him, shotgun slung across his back. Sweat mixed with the dirt on his thin face. “How many shots you got left, Jimbo?” he whispered.
“Five.” He flipped Keith off and received a playful punch in the arm. But Jimmy sickened to remember the liquid dread in his gut when he’d pulled the trigger and heard only an empty click. <italics>No replay, Jimbo—if you miscount, we die.</italics>
The footsteps fell out of ear shot, and Jimmy leaned against the rusted metal, releasing his grip.
“I told you they’d pass.” Keith wiped his hands on his jeans.

Posted by Josh Anthony (Member # 5960) on :

It's an interesting beginning. Who are these guys, who's after them, what's so bad that armament is required... I'm hooked.

I have a couple of nits here:

First, if they are running for their lives (I presume that's why they're armed), then why would one character "playfully" punch the other on the arm? It seems a little too relaxed for the type of situation they're in.

Second, I appreciate the inclusion of thoughts, but why is the MC's name "Jimmy" if he refers to himself (in thought) as "Jimbo"? It's a bad idea, usually, to refer to a MC by multiple names at the beginning; it makes it hard for the reader to establish the MC's identity.

I'd love to read the rest, just send it to me at jba@lakeada.com.

Annepin, I just remembered that I've got an aggressive spam filter (kills almost anything, even genuiune e-mail) so your e-mail may not have gotten through. I put you on my white list, so if you haven't already, go ahead and fire off the e-mail again.

[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 06, 2007).]

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I'll read aswell if you want. There's a lot to like here, I love the short sentences as the tension builds and the sense of relief as the footsteps fade away...looks good!

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

quote:
Jimmy crouched behind the dumpster. The ridges of the revolver’s handle dug into his palm. He forced himself to exhale as he listened to the shuffle of feet passing by..

There are two periods at the end of that sentence.

We have character, setting, and even a hint of conflict so far. I'm already enjoying it.

quote:
Keith squatted beside him, shotgun slung across his back. Sweat mixed with the dirt on his thin face. “How many shots you got left, Jimbo?” he whispered.

The only thing I'm wondering here is why Keith's shotgun is slung across his back if this is some kind of firefight. That doesn't seem to fit with the feet passing by above. I don't know if that is what is happening, but the concern over ammo gave me that impression.

quote:
“Five.” He flipped Keith off and received a playful punch in the arm. But Jimmy sickened to remember the liquid dread in his gut when he’d pulled the trigger and heard only an empty click. <italics>No replay, Jimbo—if you miscount, we die.</italics>

I'm a bit lost at this point. Did this happen earlier? When?

Also, I'm not sure why he's giving Keith the bird, but I'm guessing it has something to do with him running out of ammo earlier, maybe.

quote:
The footsteps fell out of ear shot, and Jimmy leaned against the rusted metal, releasing his grip.
“I told you they’d pass.” Keith wiped his hands on his jeans.

Okay, so it's not a firefight.

I might turn the page, simply because I'm unsure about what is going on. Are they waiting for someone in particular? I think since whichever character is the PoV character likely knows (unless its global), I'd like to know as well. Even just a clue is fine.

I think it's a decent opening, but it could be a great opening with some touches to clarify a few things.

Posted by sakubun (Member # 5719) on :

I'd like to read it as well. I'm good at finding flaws, if there are any.

energydragon-gmail

Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

My only comment is this: When has Jimmy run out of ammo before? Recently? How did he get more? I just felt a little lost at his thought?

Very nitpicky for an otherwise good beginning. I'm willing to read it if you need more people to look at it.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Thanks for your comments, folks! Lots of stuff to think about.

And thanks to aerten for the offer. I think i've got enough folks this time round. Maybe I could ask you to read through the next draft in the near future?