Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13

This is topic First 13 - Poisoned Sleep in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

This is my first time posting. I'm looking for opinions on the first 13, and maybe readers if anyone's interested. The whole story is under 4,500 words. I'm not sure what genre to call it. I guess it's closest to horror.

Here's the first 13 lines:
___________________________

She’s running again. Tonight she races breathlessly through a high school that vaguely resembles the one she went to more than a decade ago. Students laugh silently through the reinforced glass in the doors. As she runs, the locker colors darken from green to brown to black. Ahead, the fluorescent lights flicker dimly. She breathes heavily, never looking behind. She can hear him closing.

His footsteps grow closer. She can hear his breath taking up the space between her own gasps, as if sucking up her air. His fingers reach out, brushing the fabric of her tank top just before she wakes.

Lisa’s eyes fly open. She tries to move, to curl up, but she can’t. This is not a new sensation. Sometimes she wakes . . .

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Nice! Fantasy, sci fi, contemporary?

nit: you use closing/closer in two consecutive sentences, maybe 'she can hear him nearing"?

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

Scares me, but I suspect that's the idea. You keep up a high intensity even after she wakes up - that's usually hard to do.

I like the students laughing - her memories in her dreams.

I'll offer to read it.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Opening with a dream seems a little trite to me, a little overdone, but if you're going to do a cliche opening, you had better do it well, and you clearly have. It's full of good sensory detail, you're solidly in her POV, the atmosphere is appropriate and well illuminated. I'd jack up the sensory details on him a little more - how do his footsteps sound? What does his hand feel like as it brushes her top?

And.... I wonder. Are you going to write the whole thing in present tense?

Regardless of what I've said, excellent work! Welsome to Hatrack!

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

It definitely grabbed me. Nice tension, nice dreamlike qualities. The fact that it's a repetitive occurrence for her makes me think that there's meaning to this dream, which is good. The only thing that made me hesitate was the fact that it _does_ open with a dream. I guess I feel jaded about this, but I've seen too many authors use dreams as a crutch for story structure. Not that there's any indication of this here.

I'd offer to read it, though i probably wouldn't be able to get comments to you until Thurs. if that's cool, send it along to me!

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Welcome to Hatrack.

My take:

quote:

She’s[Who?] running again. Tonight she races breathlessly through a high school that vaguely resembles the one she went to more than a decade ago. [Students laugh silently through the reinforced glass in the doors.<--Is she racing breathlessly, or laughing? How did they make her laugh?] As she runs, the locker colors darken from green to brown to black[How? Why?]. Ahead, the fluorescent lights flicker dimly. She [breathes heavily<--Back to breathing heavily?], never looking behind. She can hear him[Who? How does she know it's a him? Why is she running from him?] closing.
His footsteps grow closer. She can hear his breath taking up the space between her own gasps[She has good hearing.], as if sucking up her air. His fingers reach out, brushing the fabric of her tank top just before she wakes.[You mean she's been asleep?]
Lisa’s eyes fly open. She tries to move, to curl up, but she can’t. This is not a new sensation. Sometimes she wakes . . .

Not interested in reading further. This is the opening to a short story, and it is filled with a vague nightmare -- in which she laughs? -- that doesn't appear relevant when she wakes.

I have no clue what I'd be reading about if I invested my time further.

Maybe, if you started with the last paragraph, I'd be sold.

quote:

Opening with a dream seems a little trite to me, a little overdone...

I have read, recently, that many editors will use a "dream" opening as an excuse to discard your manuscript. It has been done that many times.
Good luck with this, though.

I should note that you have a nice sense of pace and voice.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 07, 2007).]

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I'd have to agree with a lot of the others here, starting with a dream sequence is a bad move. But then, if you must do it, make it a good one

And I think the title - "Poisoned Sleep" - allows you some freedom here, I suspect the reader would be expecting some dreams in the story at some point so would probably forgive the opening.

I had no trouble at all understanding what was happening in the dream, I thought the writing was clear and vivid - that was the hook for me.

If you do need more readers I'd be more than willing though be aware I'm not the biggest fan of present tense

[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited August 07, 2007).]

Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

Thanks everyone for writing me back. Sorry for the delay in my response - I had Internet problems this week. I'm sending out the story to those who asked for it. I apprecicate every comment, and my next revise will try to add more sensory details.

I realize a dream sequence is a trite start. Hopefully I'll write it well enough to make up for it. The plot is actually about sleep and dreams, so maybe that makes it a little less contrived.

For those who asked, the story is all the in present tense. Also a hate-inducer for a lot of people. Apologies in advance. I just wanted the rhythm you get in present tense - short and, well, in the present.

Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

BTW: Forgot to mention - The story is closer to horror than anything else, though I can't pinpoint a genre. Also not popular with editors, but what can I do? This one got written really quickly, and I actually liked it (two things that don't always happen for me).

debhoag: Thanks for the nit. I'll try to weed out the repetition.

InarticulateBabbler: Thanks for the note about editors and what they look for.