Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled

This is topic Untitled - First 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

The total piece is under 3,000 words. It's science-fiction/black comedy. I'd love advice on the first 13, and I'm also looking for readers. Title suggestions are welcome.

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Emily Johnson worked at the FDA, and was a sparkling conversationalist. Part of the sparkle came from her ablity to spin gross pharmaceutical disasters into amusing anecdotes. On this particular night, she was amusing listeners with a new story about drug company incompetence. Westmore Pharmaceuticals (formerly Kilbourne Pharmaceuticals – they had changed the name because people didn’t like hearing “kill” in the name of their drug company) had completely botched a human trial to the point where it made a funny story. Assuming you didn’t know any of the study participants.

The researchers at Westmore had hit upon a drug that was supposed to cure rheumatoid arthritis. They tested it on a group of perfectly healthy rats, and the rats showed no ill effects.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

This is probably just me, but I had no idea who the FDA were

I liked the writing, it read easily and I especially liked the aside about Kilbourne. But would I continue reading? It's a very slight hook so far - what happens to the study participants - I think you'd have to give more sign of where this story is headed pretty soon to keep the interest up.

I like the voice of the piece too, think you got that just right for a sci-fi comedy.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

The impending story is about medical a experiment going bad. Your first paragraph tells of Emily as a story teller as if the narration will be two-deep - you tell of Emily telling of the experiment. That means you spend a lot of the first 13 lines introducing Emily. That has a cost and you can choose to pay it. There's also a lot of space spent on company names. The cost isn't that bad this time because I get an understanding of what the story is about and I'm hooked. I'll read it, assuming I don't know any of the study participants.

Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

FDA = Food and Drug Administration. But thanks for reminding me that not everyone knows that.

Thanks for the comments. I've had trouble with the beginning. I'm not sure how to explain what's going on without giving everything away.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

To add to (or misinterpret) what Jeff Barton said, the first paragraph promises anecdotes by Emily, while the second paragraph begins a narrative anecdote. Maybe Emily will pick up the anecdote later....

I think this is a little put-off-ish: "...to the point where it made a funny story." Let the story be funny without promising it will in advance.

I think the aside about the Kilbourne name would make a better "yuck" if it were part of Emily's speech. It seems misplaced in the valuable first 13 real estate. We have the disadvantage of not knowing what the next 13 will be, but it seems like with a humorous or satiric piece, the sooner you get to that business, the better.

--WouldBe

Posted by HauntedShirley (Member # 5974) on :

Hello aerten . This is my first post in this thread so please forgive any faux pas. Or bean me with a stick

Your first paragraph sounds more like a promo sentence than part of the story. I think I would try to establish a voice and focused point of view from the outset. As it is, I'm uncertain who the narrator is and what his/her relationship is with Emily (if any) and I'm uncertain whether the story is to be about Emily or about the experiments.

I'd be glad to read the entire story so that I can give more relevant comments.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

The writing is good, but the structure is poor. The first question I have is, is this a story about Emily. If so, and the amusing story she tells is just a way of establishing her character, then you should open by setting a scene, making the reader hear the clink of glasses, see the overdressed people, watch the shy young man wolfing down canapes, and then use dialog so we hear Emily tell the story.

If, on the other hand, the story is not about Emily, but about the pharmaceutical company's test gone awry, then you should tell that story. You can tell it in Emily's voice, but you don't need Emily as a character.

On the issue of FDA. Yes, spell it out. Why not. But I worry about how much a reader needs everything spelled out. I get accused from time to time of writing with a thesaurus at my elbow and using words that nobody understands (words that to me seem commonplace). When I first started reading, there was a lot I didn't understand, but I picked up what I needed to know from context and read on. This may not be the case with modern readers. I teach math, and I often get the impression that my students only pick out nouns and an occasional verb, and if they can't parse the meaning from those clues, they say the reading is "too hard". That is not the kind of reader I want to write for.