Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Blood Machine- SF

This is topic Blood Machine- SF in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Blood Machine,
Science Fiction
I'm just looking for comments on the first 13 at this point. Thanks!

In the yellow glow of the kerosene lamp Samantha pressed her face against the metal curves of her dead lover's machine and listened.
The machine could make no sound, her husband, Jeremy, insisted. It had no electricity, no steam to power it. But she couldn't forget what she'd heard, a low deep thump. Like a heart beat. The sound resonated in her dreams, and at the soiree last night she'd heard it and faltered mid-sentence. Jeremy had frowned at her from across the room. Everyone else had mistaken the look for concern, but she had seen the edge of accusation and hurt in his eyes, and had known what he longed to remind her. <i>Anthony is dead.</i>
But Anthony's machine, this hulk of black steel resting in its small shed somehow lived, and Samantha could not rest until

Posted by HauntedShirley (Member # 5974) on :

This piece sounds as if it's set in the Victorian era, so that's a hook for me.
I'm interested in this triangle, and would definitely read on.

I would prefer the first sentence to begin with "Samantha pressed her face against the metal curves of her dead lover's machine and listened..." and mention the kerosene lamp in the second sentence.

I won't do grammar or punctuation nitpicks at this point. I would really like to read the whole story.

[This message has been edited by HauntedShirley (edited August 13, 2007).]

Posted by aerten (Member # 5942) on :

You might want to mention Anthony's name sooner. I immediately confused him with Jeffrey. Otherwise, I like the mood of the piece and look forward to the rest of it.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

What I'm getting from these 13 lines is as much in a horror genre as in science fiction.

Is the machine something that Anthony built? It obviously reminds her of him. Does it do more? This is the hook for me.

It's as if the machine has captured or preserved part of Anthony, at least to her mind - hence the horror aspect.

I think Jeremy's reaction is natural if she's talked to him about what she hears and how she feels about it.

Can't tell more without reading more. You will tell us when it's ready, won't you?

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Good. This definately has a hook. It reminds me of Tell-Tale Heart.

This seems a little tortured, with the preceeding 'had' in the first clause and missing preposition:
...and had known what he longed to remind her.

Maybe something like:
...and knew about what he longed to remind her.

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

I liked it and would read more.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Wow guys, thanks for the great responses. I'll get cracking on it!

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

This comes off as something fairly unique, which sets my expectations a little high. The mystery of the box and why it is called a "machine" has my full attention. I want to find out.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Yay! Draft one is ready! any kind souls who want to be readers? It's about 2500 words.

Oh, I should add the story has changed so the title "blood machine" is a little misleading. The concept is still the same, but some of the specifics have steered away from the imagery of that title. i just don't want to mislead you guys.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 17, 2007).]

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I'd be happy to read this, if you like.
Jon.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

I'll offer to read