Thanks!
quote:
When Carmen tiptoed into the bar, the sunlight seeped in through the curtains. Carmen closed them promptly so as not to blind the barman and stepped into the darkness. Light was unlikely to bother a true daysleeper, but for some reason, dark bars were all the rage.
There were always a few fakers among the bodies strewn on couches at any dating bar, people who wanted to feel what it was like to be desired and cherished like a daysleeper, but they were easy enough to catch. A true daysleeper never woke during the day, just as a true nightsleeper, over-abundant and plain though they were, never woke during the night.
Carmen belonged to the later category and, although she knew it was difficult to find a daysleeper who'd take her, she hadn't yet resigned herself to sleeping alone.
I like starting with action that is out of the ordinary - on tiptoes and quickly closing out the light. The rest of the first 13 lines all add to development of the hook.
I'm only concerned about one term: over-abundant comes across as a value judgment meaning that there are too many nightsleepers. The story appears to be from Carmen's POV and she is a nightsleeper. Does she consider herself to be surplus population?
I'll offer to read the whole story.
I got confused by the first two sentences though. At first I imagined the curtains at a window, and Carmen tiptoeing in through the door (that's how it is in the bars I frequent), so I couldn't understand why she and the sunlight seeping were connected and why the barman might be blinded.
I guess the curtains are over the door and she's tiptoed through them, 'cos that would make the first two sentences make sense. If that's right, I'd suggest making it clear she came in through the curtains. Sorry if that sounds dense.
Also, I found myself wondering how she would avoid bumping into the couches in the dark - is there a little light? If there is, maybe you could mention it, to add a little more atmosphere.
Aside from those points, sounds great, I'd read on. (Well, I would if I wanted romantic fiction, upon which I'm no expert.)
How long is the story?
Hope this helps,
Pat
Looks interesting, though I had trouble with that curtain aswell. And one other nit, in the third paragraph you say Carmen belonged to the later category, should that be latter? I could be wrong
You could be, monstewer, but not on this occasion.
Pat
Wow, that curtain thingy was important. Some major cultural difference, bars here all have some strange kind of curtains hanging from the doors, keeps flies out.
I need to clean this up a bit and I'll send it to the people who offered to read.
Must be tough writing in what I imagine is not your first language.
Just curious,
Pat
Reading over it a second time, I think it's the sentence mentioning nightsleepers that really slowed it down for me. I think the information about the nightsleepers belongs in its own sentence.