[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 29, 2007).]
"You get paid less than the drive-thru kid at MacDonalds"
This reads slightly awkward to me - it seems to say the kid at MacDonalds himself is drive-thru. "You get paid less than the kid at the MacDonalds drive-thru window."
I assume that the MC is a vampire (sleeps all day, works all night) If this is the case, you might, instead of pointing out the negatives he faces, point out the positives of being a vampire in such a position. ("Sometimes it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Oklahoma, and that's why I took the job.") The positives would be far from mundane and could be very interesting and entertaining. Just a thought.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 29, 2007).]
One variation could be to make this a monologue to the listeners, without the enumeration.
"You know, listeners, it really sucks being...."
Halfway through, he could say something like, "The phone's ringing now. That would be the station manager telling me to play a record," and then mock the manager as part of his bit.
Izitdoneyet?
I did balk at Eek! Ohlahoma though. Surely the US Postal Service would not allow you to call a town Eek! You'd at least have to drop the shriek, wouldn't you? And, um, is Ohlahoma in Hawaii? Sounds to me like it should be ;-)
Hope this helps,
Pat
I'd tolerate the numbered list to see if the writing and story were good, but since something non-standard is being attempted, those things would have to really grab me.
I don't feel a huge hook, but the character is interesting enough that I might read a few more paragraphs.
quote:
Sometimes, it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Ohlahoma. In case this does not immediately make perfect sense to you, allow me to count the ways:
1)You work all night and sleep all day; [ergo<--Would a DJ use ergo?], no social life
2)Every time you find a fun piece of music to play, it happens to be on the night the Decency League is having their Annual Midnight Bowlathon and Fundraiser.
3)You get paid less than the drive-thru kid at MacDonalds
4)Every time you accidentally lock yourself out of the studio without your keys, listening helplessly as the station goes silent while you repeatedly get the locksmith's voicemail, it happens to be the night that the owner is in town, entertaining prospective buyers so that he can unload this turkey.[Kind of long and rambling]
5)Even after you manage to offend the Decency League, the Owner,
1) This numbered-list-format is a turn-off.
2)
quote:Talking directly to me murders the immersion.
In case this does not immediately make perfect sense to you, allow me to count the ways:
3) Sounds like the movie Pump Up the Volume.
4) Where the BEEF -- uh, vampire?
PS - I feel naked without my leather jacket.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 29, 2007).]
But it's nice to have you back and commenting!
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 29, 2007).]
Sometimes, it really sucks being the overnite DJ in a small town like Eek! Arizona.
About the only friend I have here in town is Alice, who works overnights at the Sack-o-Snaks next door to the radio station. At least once a night, I make a run for chow and moral support during a long-play. It's a matter of survival. If I just sat there for eight hours in that stupid chair, listening to Rod Stewart and Billy Joel, I'd kill myself. And, that was pretty much my life until I ran into – literally – the man of my dreams. My mom is still getting adjusted to the whole “my son-in-law is a vampire” thing, but hey, we did get married – it's not like we're living in sin, or anything.
I had just reached the point that night where my brains were leaking out my ears and my butt has gone numb, so I gave
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited August 30, 2007).]
I like the latter version even though:
1. I'm an engineer (and occasional tech writer) and like lists, a lot.
2. (Not a proper list without at least two items)
(p.s. - happy ending and the good guys win, Rick - as long as you consider a snappy dressing vampire one of the good guys) There's even dogs and old people. And a baby.
Feel free to send it on to me -