Heritage-wise, I'm a vampire. Like vampire is my ethnicity. But in reality, I'm a secular humanist, and I refuse to buy into all that phoney baloney vampire tradition stuff. So stupid. I eat beef and chicken and pork, which just about drives my mom into spaz mode. Garlic is one of my favorite seasonings. I got to a public high school – during the daytime – which means I have to use SPF 5000 or so, plus a hat and gloves, but I refuse to observe that stupid “we only come out at night” thing. I wear pink, not black. And I hate those great big fangy things, so every time they start to grow, I file them down. My mom caught me doing it once, and if she had had a heart, I think she would have had a heart attack. She's always leaving little pamphlets around
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2007).]
Posted by tigertinite (Member # 4803) on :
A very interesting take on the vampire mystique. I liked it in a way, but it jarred me because it was so informal. If a teenage cheerleader was what you were going for then I think you did wonderfully.
However if you were attempting to show an individual that has lived for centuries then I would add a few minor details, like why she is so pro-human. Or perhaps an offhanded remark about some ancient battle or significant historical place that she was a part of. right now she sounds like a rebel for no other reason than to rebel and characters should try to be a little more complex than that, blood sucking or no.
It reminds me of Carpe Jugulum by Terry Pratchet, if you haven't read his tale about untraditional vampires then I would suggest it.
(Edited because I got the Author incorrect)
[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited September 03, 2007).]
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
Finally back after a weekend away... more critiques!
I'm not completely sold on your character. I think the premise is intriguing - a young vampire rebelling against her societies norms, etc., but instead of her, I'm hearing a lot of deb. I think I mentioned this before - your openings have a tendendcy to sound the slightest bit the same. This is good, because you have your own voice down pat. It's less good because it's starting to sound like those Apple commercials... "So, I'm a vampire, but I like totally love my Mac. My mom has a Dell, but she's so 1280. Who likes granite anyways?" A long series of them.
I guess long story short for me is, I like the premise. Nothing seems to be out of place or glaringly incorrect. If I could make one sugestion, it woul dbe to back up the POV a little and step into third person and see where you can get to that way.
Good, though.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
that might also be based on what you've come across lately, Jayson. I think the voices in The Monk's Story, or The Soldier's Story, for instance, are quite different from that of the teenage vampire in this short. You're abosolutely right about my writing in the first person pretty exclusively - i just finished three years worth of work on my dissertation, and am still washing the taste out of my mouth. Bleech! What you are hearing is not really Deb's voice, however. I'm a fifty year old mother of six, and if the MC in this one is sounding anything like a teenager, it's not because it's based on me! AT least, not in this incarnation. Nice thought, though.
As an aside, I had attended a Secular Humanist Synagogue in Farmington Hills, Michigan about 10-12 years ago. They are very dedicated to preserving their heritage, while eshewing the religious/mystical component of Judiasm(this is, of course, my interpretation). I thought it would be interesting if a vampire (especially a rebellious teenage one) took up a similar stance on being "ethnically vampire" but eschewing the mystical components.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 04, 2007).]
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
I like the story idea. I'm not sure, but in public school these days, a girl in pink might stand out more than a vamp-girl in black. As another critter said, even a tiny hint about what's behind her strange, bloodless attitudes might help. Did she meet someone at the VA (Vampires Anonymous). But, the character is everything in this story, I suspect. Would she be a secular vampirist?
Nit: I got [go] to public school. Since you've given three slogan ideas, the "and stuff like that" is not needed. The "So Stupid." seems to break the flow.
Posted by LordPoochie (Member # 6174) on :
I really like the premise here. It has a lot of humor potential. Personally I think it might be better not to let out the secret right away though. I'm imagining some fairly normal dialogue between mother and daughter about heritage or something, and the realization slowly dawning on the reader that they're vampires. Or maybe it starts out like suspensefully, as if it's going to be horror, when a vampire descends on three teenage girls in a whirl of smoke - and then one of the girls shouts "MOM!" in that typical embarassed-teenager voice. Just some ideas.
Posted by walt.xeppuk (Member # 5489) on :
I like the premise of the story as well and you've nailed the teenage voice. I don't know what a secular humanist is though - so I kind grunted there...huh? Your reply later on let a little light onto the situation, but I'm probably going to have to look it up online.
I also did the same with the line "if she had had a heart, I think she would have had a heart attack." It was just because you repeated heart so soon after the first time. Maybe more of a "if she had had a heart it would have gone into arrythmia" or something. When I read “we only come out at night” thing I immediately started singing the Smashing Pumpkins song (with that chorus)in my head.
But that's just me. walt
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Buffy the Vampire? I like it. Every vampire was young once.
Send it along when it's done.
Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :
I, like, really like the high school airhead voice, ya know? Maybe I'm, like, strange, but it makes perfect sense to me that someone would narrate in that voice and, like, know what secular humanism means.
SPF 5000 must be, like, solid titanium oxide pigment, so ya know, she's all white-faced like a goth. Too bad she doesn't, like, wear black.
I have this, like, monster business trip coming up, so I can't offer to read. It does have, like, a hook and it looks like it will be fun to write and read, ya know?
... and Buffy was never that airheaded.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
buffy was a vampire slayer! And I just watched it 72 times with my kids this week because it floated to the top of the old VHS pile while we were packing. Along with Elvira, Mistress of the Dark. Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
Elvira: woo hoo!
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I felt like Elvira's Haunted Hills was rather derivative and failed to provide an adequate stage on which Elvira could demonstrate the talent so ably showcased in Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. Like the scene where she nailed the bad guy in the head with her stiletto heel. Sigh.
