Once it's cleaned up, it will be a smoother read.I have two alternate openings - one is a bit later in time by minutes than the other. So, in addition to the normal questions, which opening grabbed you more?
Option 1: Earlier in time:
Falcon shifted in the saddle as her horse Tessa’s ears were pricked forward. It wasn’t like the mare to be spooky. With a nudge, Falcon asked her to move. Tessa took a step and pivoted towards the castle. Falcon thought she heard a noise like a hawk’s cry but it was too distant to be clear.
They trotted towards the castle. Tessa halted and blew.
Falcon stroked her neck. “What is it?”
A scream broke the quiet. Falcon spurred Tessa forward.
Falcon galloped into the courtyard. She yanked Tessa to a halt to avoid plowing into the crowd. A whistling sound broke the unnatural silence. The scream that followed raised goose bumps on Falcon’s skin.
Dismounting, Falcon tossed the reins over a fence post. The ...
OR
Option 2: Later in time:
“Just tell me where the horse is,” the Stablemaster said. His left hand loosely held a whip.
Pushing through the crowd, Falcon gasped. Her best friend, Iestyn, was pinioned between cross-ties; lead lines coated with blood gnawed into his wrists.
“Lightening was in his paddock,” Iestyn said.
The whip slashed through the air again. Falcon closed her eyes before it landed. Her eyes welled up. When she turned back, Iestyn was staring at her.
“Stop!” She ran between the Stablemaster and Iestyn. His back bled from a half a dozen cuts. “What in the Gods’ names do you think you are doing? The King will hear about this.”
“He already knows.”
I think I know which way I am leaning, but second, third and twentith opinions are always useful (and sometimes entertaining).
Edit -
Oh, and readers would be appreciated too.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited September 19, 2007).]
But I think I would like to read it.
The first one starts of much more sedately, but still has enough tension soon enough to hook me. There's a bit of redundancy, and I suspect you could edit out some of your 11,000 words just by making the prose tighter.
quote:
Falcon shifted in the saddle as[,] her horse[,] Tessa’s[,] ears [Deleted.] pricked forward. It wasn’t like the mare to be [spooky<--easily spooked?]. [With a nudge, Falcon asked her to move.<--[Falcon nudged Tessa forward.] Tessa [took a step and<--needed?] pivoted towards the castle. Falcon thought she heard a [noise like a hawk’s cry<--Maybe just:thought she heard a hawk's cry,] but[,] it was too distant to be clear.
[They trotted towards the castle.<--necessary?] Tessa halted and blew.<--[Somehow, this doesn't communicate the thought clearly. Maybe just skip to the next sentence.]
Falcon stroked her neck. “What is it?”
A scream broke the quiet. Falcon spurred Tessa forward.
[Falcon galloped into the courtyard.<--necessary?] She yanked Tessa to a halt to avoid plowing into the crowd. A whistling sound broke the unnatural silence. The scream that followed raised goose bumps on Falcon’s skin.
Dismounting, Falcon tossed the reins over a fence post. The ...
This version has urgency and a definitive hook: What is making the cries? However, it needs a bath. Once it's cleaned up, it will be a smoother read.
Suggestion: Falcon shifted in the saddle. Her horse, Tessa, was uncharacteristically spooked. As they ambled on, Tessa turned her head back toward (Name) Castle. There was an unclear cry -- a hawks? -- too distant to be clear. Falcon felt a shiver run through her trusted mount and reached down to stroke her neck. "What is it, girl?" she said.
A scream broke the quiet.
Falcon reigned about and spurred Tessa for the castle. At full gallop, the horse entered the courtyard. Falcon had to haul hard on the reigns to halt Tessa before plowing into the silent crowd. A screech that raised goosebumps on Falcon's arms shredded the unnatural silence. She dismounted and snapped the reigns around a hitching post.
quote:
“Just tell me where the horse is,” the Stablemaster said. His left hand loosely held a whip.
Pushing through the crowd, Falcon gasped. Her best friend, Iestyn, was pinioned between cross-ties; lead lines coated with blood gnawed into his wrists.
“Lightening<--Lightning strikes, lightening the horizon.] was in his paddock,” Iestyn said.
The whip slashed through the air again. Falcon closed her eyes before it landed. Her eyes welled up. When she turned back, Iestyn was staring at her.
“Stop!” She ran between the Stablemaster and Iestyn. His back bled from a half a dozen cuts. “What in the Gods’ names do you think you are doing? The King will hear about this.”
“He already knows.”
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 20, 2007).]
Send it along, though at 11,000 words it may take me a while to get to it.
Minor tweaks:
Falcon thought she heard a hawk’s cry in the distance.
Tessa halted and blew. [This sounds fine, but is there a "nicer" word like nicker for us pedestrians? Probably not. Never mind.]
A scream broke the calm.
If you need another reader without extreme urgency, let me know.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited September 20, 2007).]
Wouldbe and Bored Cow thanks for the offer to read. I'll ship it over to you shortly from my work email (better to reach me at than the yahoo one).
"Nicker" is different than "blew." A horse nickers when she makes the rumbling sound. When she blows out a deep breath and (almost) snorts that's blowing. I guess I could call it "snorting."
In the first, I really have no idea who Falcon is, and it seemed odd to me that she'd go galloping off towards a castle just because she heard someone/-thing scream. Especially based on the fact that this was a semi-public whipping (as noted later). If people are gathering, I think I can assume that these are fairly commonplace. Why does she go galloping off? Does she know that Lestyn is supposed to be there? Does she think that the scream sounds like Lestyn? Why would she be worried that it was Lestyn? The tone also sounds more like a ghost story, or like she's about to get attacked by wolves or something at the beginning because the horse is spooked. Why is the horse nervous? And how does it connect to the story?
In the second, I like the fact that you're starting in the middle of things. This is especially important in light of the fact that your story is so short. The shorter it gets, the more "in the middle of things" you need to be at the beginning. Your sequencing to me though, seems a bit off. I'd suggest the following:
Falcon hears the stablemaster speak
She breaks through the crowd
She sees Lestyn, face turned, as the whip hits him (with brief description)
She rushes to Lestyn's aid and yells Stop!
As is, it sounds more like she doesn't act until she sees Lestyn staring at her. I'm curious at this point as to who this girl is. She's either someone important in the king's eyes (from the reference that the king will hear about this!) or the kingdom is set up where the king listens to all complaints by the common people. I think this will need to come out later in the story to make the comment believable.
On the large scale though, they both felt a bit choppy to me. I think that this came because of your very short sentences. I'd probably also suggest combining some of your thoughts, if they make sense in so doing. Good luck with this.
I think the first option would work if you really tightened it up some (which is what I think you decided to do). InarticulateBabbler already pointed out what could be cut or easily re-worded, so I won't bother to point things out (especially since you've probably already re-written it).I mainly wanted to comment that I had some of the same questions as WriterDan. Why is the horse nervous? Horses (non-magical horses, at least) tend to spook only because of things that happen immediately around them. The story makes it seem like the horse somehow knew of the whipping and is reacting to that, which seems a stretch. My twisty mind suggests it's actually the missing horse passing by nearby but unseen. If that's true, I'd think that Falcon's horse would whinny rather than spook. *shrug* It may just be me.
It also seems odd to me that she goes galloping off towards a castle just because she heard a scream. Maybe have her coming into the courtyard from a ride, then hearing the scream and seeing who it is over the heads of those around Iestyn? Or whatever. I'm sure your re-write will be/is fine.