Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Mother and Child

This is topic Mother and Child in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Sharlee pushed her four hundred pounds up the metal step and onto the landing, where she paused for breath. Her dog Spitz hung in the air, his eager face and large black eyes inches from hers. Then he soared up to the next landing and back again and barked joyously. Spitz enjoyed this daily climb, Sharlee dreaded it. She leaned her weight on the metal railing and looked out and up. It was Spring, and the early morning sun shown down the length of the canyon. Sharlee hated Summer and Winter, when morning and evening she climbed in darkness broken only by the lights from windows. Now, looking west, she saw the brightly colored houses bulging from the curving canyon walls, glowing in the sunlight, pink, yellow, and sky blue, their waists decorated by a projecting rim of red or dark blue.

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

When I read "pushed", I at first thought she was pushing something heavy up the stairs. Try "lugged" or "hauled" instead, or better, say something like "She hauled her 400 pound body (or self) up the metal step..."

Is there a particular reason why you capitalize 'Summer' and 'Winter'?

The 400lb woman and the floating dog peaked my interest, but I'm not completely hooked.

And just out of curiosity, is this fantasy or sci-fi?

Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :

This confused me a little bit.

"Her dog Spitz hung in the air, his eager face and large black eyes inches from hers. Then he soared up to the next landing and back again and barked joyously."

Is he a flying dog? Wearing an antigravity belt? Or are his actions just so much faster and easier than hers that she feels like he's soaring?

I also don't know why you capitalized the seasons. Somehow I don't feel like they're proper nouns, although I'm willing to be corrected.

"It was Spring, and the early morning sun shown down the length of the canyon. Sharlee hated Summer and Winter, when morning and evening she climbed in darkness broken only by the lights from windows."

This really confused me. I eventually took you to mean that she's deep inside a canyon, and the sun is only aligned with the canyon during the spring: in summer, it's too far north, and in winter, it's too far south. But then I have another problem: if this is early morning sun she's seeing, then at this time in the winter the sun won't be up yet -- so she won't even get light from the windows.

I think you should (horrors!) tell me more and show me slightly less if you're trying to tell me that she climbs up every day from the lower part of the canyon to the higher part.

"glowing in the sunlight, pink, yellow, and sky blue, their waists decorated by a projecting rim of red or dark blue."

Maybe it's just me, but I thought this was a lot of color that blurred the image more than clarifying it. Also, I wasn't sure whether the "waists" referred to "houses" or "canyon walls", so the imagery was muddied for me.

For all that, I don't have a lot of a hook. There might be one there -- a 400-pound woman does this climb every day? Why? -- but I think (guessing only here, of course, you're the author) you've surrounded it with too many other distracting details.

Hope this helps,
Oliver

[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited September 22, 2007).]

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Thanks for the comments. I need to do a rewrite.

This is the fewest comments I've ever gotten on a first 13, which probably means the story won't sell. But it is so different from anything I've tried before, I may learn by writing it.

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

You have stung me, sir, and now I must critique...

quote:
Sharlee pushed her four hundred pounds up the metal step and onto the landing, where she paused for breath.

Evokes the image that she is separate from this four hundred pounds.

quote:
Her dog Spitz hung in the air, his eager face and large black eyes inches from hers. Then he soared up to the next landing and back again and barked joyously.

At this point I am seeing disembodied woman pushing her corporeal mass onto a landing and a dog floating in air, flying around like a flying carpet.

quote:
Spitz enjoyed this daily climb, Sharlee dreaded it. She leaned her weight on the metal railing and looked out and up. It was Spring, and the early morning sun shown down the length of the canyon.

I quite like this - add a couple more words to convey what the first several sentences said, and you're there.

quote:
Sharlee hated Summer and Winter, when morning and evening she climbed in darkness broken only by the lights from windows.

This is odd. I get why Winter would bring darkness. Why summer? Also, make this a new paragraph.

quote:
Now, looking west, she saw the brightly colored houses bulging from the curving canyon walls, glowing in the sunlight, pink, yellow, and sky blue, their waists decorated by a projecting rim of red or dark blue.

I'd like you to explain why Spring (and presumably Fall) allow her to see the scene in daylight (or at least twilight).

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

What meg.stout said. Also, a few things:

quote:
Sharlee pushed ("Carried" might convey your intended meaning better) her four hundred pounds up the metal step and onto the landing, where she paused for breath. (How about: "...onto the landing. She paused..." That way we have two strong sentences instead of on long weak sentence) Her dog Spitz hung in the air, his eager face and large black eyes inches from hers. (This sentence bothered me. I think it was because you just gave me a long sentence with two separate ideas. If you change the first, this might be fine) Then (Scratch "Then." I don't need it. The sentence means exactly the same thing without it)he soared up to the next landing and back again (Scratch "again." Same reason) and barked joyously. Spitz enjoyed this daily climb,(Wait, I thought he was flying) Sharlee dreaded it. She leaned her weight on the metal (Why tell me the railing is metal? Is that detail going to matter later? If not, I say cut it) railing and looked out and up.(I don't need "look out and up." I know Sharlee is the only POV character, therefore anything you describe must be her looking) It was Spring,(Is there a way to mention it's spring w/o just telling me? Perhaps work it into the description of the sunshine) and the early morning sun shown down the length of the canyon.(What canyon? Is the stairwell in a canyon? Is the stairwell the canyon?) Sharlee hated Summer and Winter, when morning and evening she climbed in darkness broken only by the lights from windows.(Does this mean the only light is from outside? Is the power only on in Spring? That's a cool idea, but I'm not positive that's what you meant) Now, looking west, she saw (I don't need "She saw." I know she saw, because she is the only character, and she's the POV character)the brightly colored houses bulging from the curving canyon walls, glowing in the sunlight, pink, yellow, and sky blue, their waists decorated by a projecting rim of red or dark blue.(I'm not sure what this last phrase means)

Of course, this is all IMHO.

I like the rule of barging into a story. Show me up front what this will be about, why I should care. Of course, that won't always fit in the first 13, but here it seems your telling me all about this character, when I'd rather see her act and just learn about her.

Was I right about the power only being on during the Spring? I think that could be the setting for a cool story.

Ben

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Hi Rick,

I didn't comment because I couldn't find anything positive to say. I thought the flying dog might be interesting, and it was the nearest I saw to a hook, but (as is the way with SF readers, as you know) I wasn't sure if it was really flying or a metaphor. (Besides, stories featuring dogs aren't my taste -- that's a personal thing, I'm sure lots of people love 'em.)

I felt sympathy for Sharlee, though not much, for she seemed totally miserable. I didn't feel drawn to spend time in her company to learn her story.

"But it is so different from anything I've tried before, I may learn by writing it."

I wish you luck with this. You'll certainly learn by doing something different. Will this be your brave new world?

Sorry not to have been more helpful,
Pat

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Telling why the drudging, daily climbs are necessary may draw the reader in, or perhaps connecting the scene with the title of the story. Have you considered starting the story at a different time?

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

I'm going to do a complete rewrite, since I have a vivid picture in my mind, which I clearly failed to convey to the reader.

There is no stairwell. Sharlee is outside. The city she lives in is in a canyon -- the morning sun is too far north in the winter and too far south in the summer to shine down into the canyon. She lives in a society where upper class people can fly, and working class people have to climb stairs. Sharlee is on her way to work.

And I've got my work cut out for me to make the reader see and feel all that without just telling them.

Posted by sephina (Member # 5596) on :

Wow that was amazing. With that little bit of explanation I reread the original 13 and totally got the picture. I think with just a few additions it would work.

Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :

Well, I can see the potential already shining through. For an early draft, it's good. The only thing I'd change is 'Spitz enjoyed this daily climb, Sharlee dreaded it'. I'd separate these clauses with a semi-colon to put them in greater contrast, because there's no conjunction between them.

I definitely owe you a crit or three anyway, so send it my way ;-)

Regards