Here's the first thirteen of a sword and sorcery fantasy short story I wrote. As well as comments on the first thirteen I am, as always, looking for readers.
(Version 1)
“All right, Ari. What have you done now?”
Ari jerked, startled out of a completely pleasant daydream about being anywhere that did not involve horses and long, dusty roads. “What do you mean, what have I done?”
Will grinned at her. “Take a look at your uncle’s face. That’s the look he gets when he’s about to deliver a Very Serious Lecture.”
Ari flicked a casual glance back and winced. “Damn. And since we’re in the middle of nowhere, I can’t escape or hide. I’d been wondering why he invited me along when I have so little skill in healing. So much for family bonding.”
“Mmm. I ask again, what did you do? It must have been something really interesting for him to bring you all the way...
Version 2 (Slight revision to remove an evil adverb and a rewording in an attempt for greater clarity).
“All right, Ari. What have you done now?”
Ari jerked, startled out of a pleasant daydream about being anywhere that did not involve horses and long, dusty roads. “What do you mean, what have I done?”
Will grinned at her. “You're uncle's got that look on his face that means he's about to deliver a Very Serious Lecture."
Ari flicked a casual glance back and winced. “Damn. And since we’re in the middle of nowhere, I can’t slither out of it like I usually do. I’d been wondering why he invited me along when I have so little skill in healing. So much for family bonding.”
“Mmm. So I ask again, what did you do? It must have been something really interesting for him to bring you all the way out here just to corner you.”
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited September 28, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 06, 2007).]
On the other hand, the characters seem kinda cool, though I'd be more interested if I had a hint of what Ari might be in trouble for (she could scan through her mind and think about what she'd done recently that she'd kept from her uncle). In fact, I think the characters could come through a little more strongly.
And I'd offer to read, but I still have two of your stories I have to get to 
and not a lot of time before I leave for three weeks.
Her speculation is in the next few lines, just clear of the first thirteen. If everyone agrees that would be the hook, then I'll have some rearranging to do.
B.C.,
You might consider starting there, and work the other back story around or following the V. S. L. I think all the teasing about what IT is will be in vain if it is just a few lines below the opening.
Uncle Thaddeus approached Ari with that look on his face that means he's about to deliver a Very Serious Lecture.
"Ari--"
Ari thought about the top three or so things that might have provoked his uncle since being banished here among the horses and long, dusty roads.
"--It has come to my attention...."
(As an example.)
Ari was designing a pleasant daydream about being anywhere that did not involve horses and long, dusty roads when her uncle’s mournful voice said from behind her, “Arianna, we need to discuss something. Do you mind leaving us, William”
Ari shot a desperate look at her friend. Francis had the look on his face indicating he was about deliver a Very Serious Lecture. Will just winked at her and dropped his horse back.
As always, Francis began by telling her that Warrior Mages had to be Cautious and Discreet and Responsible. Ari was worried about where the talk was headed. There were several equally disturbing possibilities: the ‘disappearance’ of some forbidden spells from a locked guard’s room, who had really caused the walls of one of the practice rooms to warp beyond repair...
I like "designing a pleasant daydream" -- making it go where she wants.
One place had me stopped: "and dropped his horse back." I was somehow not with them on the trail-- didn't understand that they were on horseback even though that's what Ari was trying to avoid in the daydream. I got "Drop what?" and "Did it break?" I'd suggest something like "involve horses and the long, dusty road she was riding on." Her uncle's mournful voice would start a new sentence (which might be needed anyway.)
quote:
Ari was designing a pleasant daydream about being anywhere that did not involve horses and long, dusty roads, when her uncle’s mournful voice said from behind her delete, “Arianna, we need to discuss something. Do you mind leaving us, William?” The addition of the name but with no idea that he was even there throws me a bit.
Ari shot a desperate look at her friend. Francis had the look on his face indicating he was about deliver a Very Serious Lecture. Will just winked at her and dropped his horse back.
As always, Francis began by telling her that Warrior Mages had to be Cautious and Discreet and Responsible. Ari was worried about where the talk was headed. There were several equally disturbing possibilities: the ‘disappearance’ of some forbidden spells from a locked guard’sshould it not be guards' room, who This 'who'throws me, should it be that? had really caused the walls of one of the practice rooms to warp beyond repair...
Hope this helps.
quote:
Ari was designing a pleasant daydream about being anywhere that did not involve horses and long, dusty roads when her uncle’s mournful voice said from behind her, “Arianna, we need to discuss something. (Never us "to be" in a first sentence. Refrain from using "to be" as much as you can. It's weak. This long, winding, weak sentence could be replaced by several shorter, stronger sentences.)Do you mind leaving us, William”
Ari shot a desperate look at her friend.(What's a desperate look? That's kinda vague.) Francis had the look on his face indicating he was about deliver a Very Serious Lecture. ("Francis looked like he was about to deliver a Very Serious Lecture." Shorter, harder hitting, gets rid of useless words.) Will just (I don't need this word)winked at her and dropped his horse back.
As always, Francis began by telling her that Warrior Mages had to be Cautious and Discreet and Responsible. (Tell me what he's saying. That would be so much more interesting.)Ari was worried about where the talk was headed. (Show me this - You've started to with the look of desperation. Find a stronger way to convey this. Make me feel it, don't tell me about it.) There were several equally disturbing possibilities: the ‘disappearance’ of some forbidden spells from a locked guard’s room, who had really caused the walls of one of the practice rooms to warp beyond repair...(This is confusing, but seeing as you got cut off...)
This did not work for me. I liked the first one. It wasn't perfect, but I liked it. You showed me characters through dialogue. I had a good idea of what was going on. Telling us about the "possibilities" within that conversation may be a good idea, though.
Another idea: Start the scene where you did in this rewrite, but give me more dialogue. Show me the characters interacting instead of telling me how they're feeling.
Of course, this is all IMHO.
Ben
[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited October 01, 2007).]
Still looking for readers!
Ari was designing a pleasant daydream about being anywhere that did not involve long, dusty roads or the horse she was riding. She jumped when her uncle’s mournful voice said from behind her, “Arianna, we need to discuss something.”
Ari made a face at her friend, who had been riding alongside her. Francis looked like he was about to deliver a Very Serious Lecture. “Do you mind leaving us, William?” Ignoring her pleading look, Will looked at her and slowed his horse to join the rest of the healers. Ari glowered at his retreat. She’d get him back for abandoning her later.
Francis cleared his throat. “It is the duty of a Warrior Mage,” he said, “to always exercise the utmost responsibility and discretion. We have a reputation to maintain with the...