Nocturne stood atop the remains of a small building amidst the ruins of a city destroyed years ago. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. His eyes could not perceive it as it passed overhead, but its radiating power let him follow its decent into the human lands.
The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. Visions of power filled his mind, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction the magatama brought to the world.
“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly as he jumped headfirst into the shadows cast by the ruined city.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 05, 2007).]
quote:
Nocturne stood atop the remains of a small building amidst the ruins of a city destroyed years ago.(1) He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. His eyes could not perceive it as it passed overhead, but its radiating power let him follow its decent into the human lands.(2)
The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. Visions of power filled his mind, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction the magatama brought to the world.
“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly as he jumped headfirst into the shadows cast by the ruined city. (3)
He passed through the darkness and found himself floating in a vast sphere.
Comments:
1. Remains, ruins, destroyed - you emphasize the overall rubble three times, but this starting sentence lacks emphasis, or punch. I think you can re-word it and keep the same meaning but create a sharper image.
2. I don't know what a magatama is at this point, but why is he bothering to look if he can't physically see it? This sets me up to want to see what he sees. Since he's seeing nothing, I might like to have described a sensation of this "power" instead.
3. This is a looong dialogue tag. The "shadows cast by the ruined city" sits weird with me, too...maybe I want to read 'buildings' instead of city, or have a better image of the lighting earlier so I know there's shadowing going on - I was mentally envisioning a full night scene, and this jarred me.
To be honest, this didn't grab me. I sense it's building toward a big conflict, but in these lines alone I don't know who Nocturne is other than he's a demon, and he's after something bad called a magatama. So?
It leaves me feeling ambivalent. If it's a short story, it might benefit from less of a far-scope cinematic feel and more immediate emotional pull and meaning offered to the reader. The situation has potential to be interesting, but not in this presentation.
quote:
Nocturne stood atop the remains of a small building amidst the ruins of a city destroyed years ago.
quote:
Nocturne stood atop the ruins of the city.
quote:
He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall.
quote:
His eyes could not perceive it as it passed overhead, but its radiating power let him follow its decent into the human lands.
quote:
“I will reach you first, and destroy you,”
Hope that helped
Nocturne stood amidst the ruins of the city. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. It was too small to see as it passed overhead, but he felt its power descend into the human lands.
The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. Visions of power filled his mind, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction the magatama brought to the world.
“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the magatama’s call defiantly.
He walked into the shadow cast by a fallen building. The darkness beneath him flowed over his body and pulled him down into the shadows.
A couple of comments:
-why does he ignore the call? I'm guessing it has to do with the visions of the human bones, but the connection wasn't clear.
-I have trouble with this line: "“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the magatama’s call defiantly."
The latter half is too long. "Nocturne said" would be plenty sufficient; I understod that he was defiant without it. If you want to keep that he answers the call, you could say "Nocturne answered the magatama's call. 'I will reach you first, and destroy you.'"
Hope that helps.
I only have a couple of problems with this:
1) "I will reach you first, and destroy you." I don't understand this. Nothing said the magatama is trying to reach and/or kill Nocturne. It confuses me.
2) You have already been told about the unnecessary extensive tag.
3) What does Nocturne feel (inside)? This a really cold PoV and needs to warm up and draw me into his mind.
4) I don't see the perceived conflict--except to say the protagonist is recalcitrant. That's not enough.
As a short story, this has only so long to grab me.
The voice is good. The images are dark and engrossing. All it lacks is the promise that you make in the beginning and fulfill at the end.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 06, 2007).]
BoredCrow
The call brings the visions of power to his mind, but the bones around the city are actually there. Perhaps I could give a glimpse of the vision to separate it from his reality. I'll try to address this issue and fix the tag.
Marzo
I'm glad you agree with the revision. I would like to thank you and Sara Genge for helping me fix the initial problems.
InarticulateBabbler
I was hoping the call being sent to all demons and the destroyed city were enough to convey that demons meet where it falls. Thus he wants to reach it before other demons to prevent similar destruction. As for his feelings, I attempted to convey his feelings by having him deny this call because of the dead humans and demons. At this point it might not be apparent if he cares for the demons, the humans, or both. The conflict, as stated earlier, is reaching the magatama before other demons. I will attempt to address your issues with the 13. Oh, and thank you for helping me learn a new word. I had to look up recalcitrant. I may have to use it someday.
I had no idea that the magatama was calling demons to converge on its landing place. Nothing in the text told me that.
Denying the call doesn't show me how he feels. It tells me that he is recalcitrant (your welcome for the word).
Form this thirteen, I have no idea that there is a race to get to the magatama or why.
You may want to read it to yourself, outloud (which often helps your mind with what IS there, not what your thinking is). We can't read your mind. The incredible story that you're fueled to tell cannot get across to the reader if it's hinted at--nor can your character's personality come through--unless you show us the story from his view (feelings and all). You must choose your words carefully to deliver the beast that's in your mind.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 07, 2007).]
Everyone
I'd like to know the chances of you reading on after the first thirteen, and if the story can be followed to this point. And if you answer no to one of these any suggestions would be welcome. I will try to make the story easier to grasp in my next edit. I'll hopefully post that later today. Thank you all for taking the time to help me.
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
Nocturne stood amidst the ruins of the city. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the magatama to fall. It was too small to see as it passed overhead, but he felt its power descend into the human lands.
The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. It filled his mind with visions of power, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction brought to the world when demons met in battle to claim the magatama.
“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly.
He walked into the shadow cast by a fallen building. The darkness beneath him began to flow over his body
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kurim21 (edited October 07, 2007).]
Nocturne stood amidst the ruins of the city. He stared into the evening sky and waited for the (add alien here, on first mention?) magatama to fall. It was too small to see as it passed overhead, but he felt its power (radiating down onto the human) descend into the human lands.
The alien substance called to him as it called to all demons. It filled his mind with visions of power, but he ignored them. The indistinguishable bones of humans and demons that littered the city reminded him of the destruction brought to the world (the last time instead of 'when'? when demons met in battle to claim the magatama.
“I will reach you first, and destroy you,” Nocturne answered the call defiantly.
He walked into the shadow cast by a fallen building. The darkness beneath him began to flow over his body