Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled scifi short story

This is topic Untitled scifi short story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by HeIsDeads (Member # 6330) on :

I've got the idea fleshed out and I've gotten through about a thousand words, planning on about five thousand in all. All thoughts and criticism welcome.

Denning looked out the viewport and down on the spinning green and blue world below him. He just watched for a long moment. "Well?" Smith asked from over Denning's shoulder. "What about it? Can't hurt to at least make a fly over and see if they have any tech that rivals ours..." Smith's words trailed off as he watched Captain Denning consider his suggestion. "I think Rival is the wrong word." Denning answered thoughtfully, turning his eyes to Smith finally. "But I see no harm in a quick look, so long as we keep the dimmers on." Smith was jubilant, grinning his thanks to Denning. Smith was young and this was his first time off planet. He was bound to be excited by the prospect of gathering intelligence on a newly discovered world.

(New first thirteen posted below)

[This message has been edited by HeIsDeads (edited October 11, 2007).]

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

Normally, I prefer to see character dialogue placed in its own paragraph, one per character. Seeing this conversation all in one paragraph is the major block for me.

Going beyond that, I don't feel hooked. The writing is okay, but nothing entices me, yet. Normally, I am hooked by strong writing, an interesting character or setting, an enticing question or situation, conflict, etc.

Since the writing is okay, I'd read a little farther down and see if anything stood out, but not much farther.

Some specific nits and thoughts:

"Out the viewport and down on..." Honestly, I think out or down is fine, but both feels a little weak and winded to me.

"Spinning..." didn't do much for me. I visualized a planet, much like earth due to being green and blue, literally spinning so fast it could throw the inhabitants off-world.

"Denning answered thoughtfully... " I didn't feel thoughtfully added much to the dialog here.

"Smith was jubilant... " This is fine, however ... early on I like to be firm in establishing my PoV. Not all authors are, so it's a personal call. That means I personally would have gone for "Smith looked jubilant.... " As I said, it's a personal nit--I can't see an editor ditching a story over it. Just a thought.

Those are all small nits, anyway. The big one for me is I don't feel any kind of hook yet.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Just my thoughts on the matter. I think you could put a lot more in these first 13 lines…by taking some redundancies and other annoying bits out.

As lehollis said, you don’t need both the "out" and "down." I think you can remove the following sentence, too. And the “rival” business…it doesn’t work (for me, that is). Could you be a little less obvious, maybe? Like so –

Denning looked out the viewport at the lush green and blue world below him.

"Well?" Smith asked from over Denning's shoulder. "What about it? Can't hurt to at least take a closer fly by, can it?”

“No harm in a quick look, so long as we keep the dimmers on,” Denning said after some thought. He grimaced but kept his face toward the viewport so Smith couldn’t see that. Lieutenant Smith was young and this was his first time off planet. He was bound to be excited by the prospect of gathering intelligence on a newly discovered world. He’d learn, Denning thought, just not the hard way. Not this trip, pray the gods. Not while on board the XXXXX.

I think the problem with the rival tech and fly over is that if planet X does have better tech than theirs, then such a swoop could be suicidal.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 11, 2007).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

This isn't really answering your question, but you might find it interesting. I recently read a very humorous short story in which the premise is that star drive was about as easy to discover/invent as hammer . . . if you had just a bit of luck. So, the POV characters are some aliens in a starship readying themselves to attack modern-day Earth. They're hot-to-trot because, unlike all the other worlds with star drives they had conquered, only THEY had discovered gun powder. (The starship had candle lamps and, more-or-less, a latrine.)

So, since stupid Earth didn't have star drive yet, they sure as heck wouldn't have gun powder and muzzle-loaded rifles, would they?

Edited to add ref: "The Road Not Taken" by Harry Turtledove. It's in OSC's Masterpieces: The Best Science Fiction of the Twentieth Century

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 11, 2007).]

Posted by HeIsDeads (Member # 6330) on :

Thanks guys. I'm still only about half way through the first draft, and already there's a lot I think needs to be refined. The hook of the story is probably the main problem I'm dealing with... I don't want to give away too much of the plot or the twist, but then I really don't want to withhold information just to work up interest because I really hate when writers do that.

Definitely a valid point about the POV, Lehollis. I guess I hadn't decided yet between the pov being Denning or Smith. I'm thinking of switching between the two, but if that doesn't feel right, I'll go with Denning.

Arriki nailed it too. There's no powerful bang to start off with... I'll work on that.

And WouldBe. You pretty much guessed it, haha. But how could I pull such a story off? I need to with hold the plot twist until the end, I think, but I already mentioned that I don't feel right about doing that... Any ideas?

Thanks again,
Dave

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

In the story I mentioned, the author did the opposite of hiding it. He mentioned chamberpots on the starship in the first paragraph. The drama/humor was in the buildup of the spacefarer's expectations about the easy task they had ahead, when it was clear they could be swatted like flies. It was done well enough that it was its own spoiler, yet you chuckled all along the way.

[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited October 11, 2007).]

Posted by HeIsDeads (Member # 6330) on :

Hmmies... I was kind of shooting for the whole "you think they're human, but they're not" thing. However, I think I may be able to get away with the plot some other way. Thanks!

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Hmmm...reminds me of those stories by Christopher Anvil. PANDORA'S PLANET was the novel, but he wrote a couple of others where you had the clueless aliens and the street smart humans.

Posted by HeIsDeads (Member # 6330) on :

Actually, Nightfall was big influence in this idea. Asimov and someone else.. I forget.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

quote:
Asimov and someone else.. I forget.

"Nightfall" was originally a short story written by Asimov alone. Then Robert Silverberg extended it into novel length, but I think that was after Asimov had died, so it wasn't actually a collaboration.

Posted by HeIsDeads (Member # 6330) on :

Either way it was awesome. I really enjoyed it.

Anyhow, NEW FIRST THIRTEEN!

"We're hit!" Smith screamed for the second time. The young lieutenant's eyes looked as big as baseballs. There was a burn on the side of his face, Denning realized. Probably from the blown out console next to Smith where West had been working a few moments ago. Denning's eyes went to West's body. A pang of guilt went through him like a snake through his guts. His attention was drawn away by a rare bellow from French, the pilot. "I've lost port engines, Cap'n. Gotta take her down." Denning was stunned for a moment, at the frankness and volume of French's voice. "Get us as far from their compound as you can!" He heard himself ordering over the blaring alarm tone. "Try-" Denning found himself cut off sharply as Raven II lurched hard to port and began it's shuddering final

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 13, 2007).]

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

It jumps straight into the action, and that's good. But for me there's no hook, because space ships crash all the time in SF. Either the characters or their problem needs to grab me fast.

The second try is not as good as the first in my opinion because it's still one huge paragraph, and there's a lot of passive voice. (Denning's eyes went, a pang of guilt went, his attention was drawn, he heard himself, Denning found himself, etc.)

The action wants to be fast but by having it all in one para it's not (because the reader cannot read it quickly), and passive voice doesn't show active characters.

Just 2c,
Pat