SINGER
They named her Singer because she was half woman, half Singer sewing machine. Where her slender waist should’ve widened to hips, it widened into a black metal frame on an oak desk, with a wheel at her rear and a treadle between her four legs. Thus she wheeled herself around on casters, as though a workhouse invalid.
He had never called her Singer, but rather Marlène. Gris, a mad child with curly tangles of black hair, had been an orphan. Barely fourteen, he had inherited his sponsor’s lighthouse workshop and built Marlène himself. Then the Great War came to town, and he left with it.
So Marlène lived with a neutered hyena who had the eyes of a child, and watered Gris’ flowers. Endless nights would be spent
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 29, 2007).]
My gut reaction was that "lived with a neutered hyena who had the eyes of a child" was possibly stretching the quirkiness, but the story will speak for itself.
"He had never called her Singer, but rather Marlène. Gris, a mad child with...."
This was the only stumbling block. I paused briefly to decide if "He" and Gris were different people.
I'll read if you like.
quote:
They named her Singer because she was half woman, half Singer sewing machine. Where her slender waist should’ve(1) widened to hips, it widened into a black metal frame on an oak desk, with a wheel at her rear and a treadle between her four legs. Thus(2) she wheeled herself around on casters, as though a workhouse invalid.
He had never called her Singer, but rather Marlène. Gris, a mad child with curly tangles of black hair, had been an orphan.(3) Barely fourteen, he had inherited his sponsor’s lighthouse workshop and built Marlène himself. Then the Great War came to town, and he left with it.(4)
So Marlène lived with a neutered hyena who had the eyes of a child, and watered Gris’ flowers. Endless nights would be spent playing the oboe, which Marlène felt was the only mechanism,
1. 'Should have' doesn't sound too formal to me, whereas should've sounds less pleasant to the internal ear, and mashes cadence a little.
2. I'm not sure about "thus" being here. Scratch it out and just say 'She wheeled herself around', perhaps? I think it makes a punchier point, and the reader's mind will fill in the 'thus' connection on their own.
3. I don't think the story would lose anything if you gave us Gris' name right away, rather than 'he': "Gris had never called her Singer, but Marléne. Gris, a mad child.."
4. My brain assumed that Gris left with Marléne, so the next sentence about her living alone muddled me up. Maybe append 'without her' to the sentence about Gris leaving?
Thoughts:
I didn't have the same reaction Elan did, perhaps because I've read books with half-inanimate humans before (China Mieville's novels), and although I was initially skeptical about the idea, it wound up being one of my favorite pieces of his world.
The only caveat is I'd be looking for good internal consistency and at least a little explanation about what it is that allows a half sewing-machine woman to be possible in this world.
I like this. It makes me think of that bizarreness mixed with very human emotions which Tim Burton does so well. The lead into the oboe is a nice segue that promises some sense of character development. This whole lead-in gives me a nice sense of the situation, but raises interesting questions.
I'd read on.
[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited October 29, 2007).]
quote:
So Marlène lived with a neutered hyena who had the eyes of a child, and watered Gris’ flowers.
I could fathom an inanimate character in the story. (The movie Stranger Than Fiction did that rather well with the watch.)
But the sentence about the neutered hyena watering flowers (does the author mean the hyena is peeing on them?) strikes me as someone putting up a fake post just to see what the masses say about it. It is a totally out-of-left-field statement that stretched my belief to the point I snapped.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited October 29, 2007).]
Other than that, this beginning, joke or not, is out there enough to be compelling, at least to me - though you might have a rather limited audience.
The story isn't a joke--I did actually write a story about a woman who is half Singer treadle sewing machine. I know it's odd, but I was drunk when I had the idea, so it seemed brilliant at the time.
And yes, it is she who waters the plants, not the hyena :P
I'll send this out to those who expressed interest, and you can let me know your comments. I think it needs work, of course, so I'd be happy to hear any and all comments.
Cheers
If you like, please send it to me and I will get comments back to you pretty quickly.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited October 31, 2007).]
Cheers
Cheers
Sorry about that. 
I think I'd like to see it further down the line, but not in its present state.
Well, I'm not sure why the elements have confused you (they haven't confused the eight or so readers I've already had), but if you think you know why, I'd be eager to hear. You've said there are too many strange elements. Are they too numerous and too close together?
Was it not clear than 'Singer' is Marlene and 'He' is 'Gris'?
Adam
xxx
As a first draft, I think it is a really promising story and want to encourage you to keep developing it.
I loved the milieu and the character design.
It did seem to wander/meander toward the end as though it wasn't sure about where it was going. Maybe because so much time was covered with such little detail.
I was imagining it, at times, as a Tim Burton animation and, at others, like a Jean-Pierre Jeunet movie. I love the style of both these people, so I had fun reading.
I have some more comments for you in the text but my email is down (stupid fees). It should be sorted by tomorrow (Friday).
cheers
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 07, 2007).]
Yes, I had both those directors in mind whilst I wrote the story. So that's certainly good :P
I await your email with eager anticipation.
Adam
xxx