The sun was already sinking behind the treetops of the Black Forest, the shadows from the sunset turning the fall leaves to a dull gray, as Caius began the search for the men who murdered his father. The killer’s trail followed the main path, which skirted the forest edge to the west before plunging into the heart of the woods. The Black Forest was known as a haven for the men and women who had rejected the teachings of the Earthen Father. Most villagers simply referred to them as the Lost Ones.
I guess I will just jump right in. I have lurked for a while but this is my first 13. Thanks in advance.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
Good work, but I have a few suggestions. First, the title is too close to the title of the tv show "All in the Family", so I suggest a different title. Second, just flatly telling us that Caius's father was murdered seems abrupt and cold. If Caius witnessed the murder, that might be a good place to start. If not, then I would start with his discovery that his father has been murdered. Also, it would be good for us to understand how Caius feels about his father before we learn about the murder -- love, hate, fear, reverence, rebellion, duty, guilt? Those feelings are going to determine his motivation for the rest of the story.
Posted by Vanderbleek (Member # 6535) on :
This is probably just me, but Black Forest makes me think of Germany, and Caius makes me think of Rome, so the time period in my mind would be during Roman occupation of Germany.
This Earthen Father character sounds intriguing...I'm guessing it's some kind of religion, one that maybe advocates violence for wrongs...
Caius is either strong or stupid, since he's following killers into a well known haven of theirs...(or he's fueled by anger...)
The way his father's death is just casually mentioned fits the paragraph...if the whole story is told like this though I'll lose interest...fast. I don't mind a brief intro type paragraph, but I need more than that once the story gets "good."
These are just the thoughts that came into my head...and I'm by no means a literary critic, so take from them what you will.
Posted by Caliban (Member # 7066) on :
I appreciate the feedback. I cut the opening (and the entire piece) a bit as I have a tendency to elaborate and use too many adjectives without providing a vehicle for motion if that makes sense. I cut the story down in an effort to stick with the main essentials of the storyline to provide a sense of movement. If I cut it down to where it leaves the reader with more questions then that is certainly not what I intended.
I completely understand about the German vs. Roman comment. That is a difficult area for me when developing a historical perspective in all of my writing. I tend to cross over a bit too much where it is confusing.
I mention the death right from the beginning as it fuels the rest of the story in his pursuit for the killer and answers. Considering it is a short story, I thought that the hook needed to be right at the beginning as opposed to fleshed out a bit later.