Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Tom Sequence

This is topic Tom Sequence in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=002796

Posted by fancypants (Member # 7051) on :

Hi Everyone,

I'm at work on a novella length piece and would like feedback not only on the opener but on my first finished chapter, The Tom Sequence. The full chapter is close to 1500 words. This piece does contain adult language and situations, so over 18 only. In particular, let me know if the tenses in this first part throw anyone off. Thanks!

I was back at the W with Tom. Becca’s Tom. Tom whose big powerful last name had bought us everything all over this stupid hotel. Even over the phone that name thundered money, potentially raining a cash load all over your life or a hot shit storm that threatened to drag you down underneath. Becca was in bed, puking. A classic case of overindulgence, I told him. She puked at the restaurant, in the plants and back at the hotel. When Tom told her he was going to escort me to the limo she hopped back out of bed with one boob hanging out of her dress and puked.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

"...that name thundered money..." not sure about this - does not convey what I think you are looking for. Maybe something like "Even the name reeked of money and power." Or something similar. I don't know how something "thunders money".

"...stupid hotel." Stupid how? This is an opinion that really doesn't tell us much - I want to know just why it is stupid - roach infested? A dive? Would like to see something more direct.

"...that threatened to drag you down underneath." Underneath what? Again, make it more poignant.

"Becca was in bed puking." Given that you have already made it clear that she has been barfing all over the place, her being in bed puking is hard to believe. Why wouldn't she be in the bathroom kneeling over the toilet?

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

This doesn't really work for me. Realistic is not a synonym for ugly. Your characters can be flawed, but not so flawed they become tattered cardboard. Read more Scott Fitzgerald and try again.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Welcome to the group. Don't let feedback discourage you too much.

I could be hooked but right now this reads a bit too disjointed and redundant for me to want to ride along.

My take:

quote:
I was back at the W <-- What's this? If it's the hotel - just say Hotel W with Tom. Becca’s Tom. I'd put this in with the first reference to Tom Tom whose big powerful last name which is? Vanderbilt? Gucci? What? had bought us everything all over this stupid hotel. Even over the phone that name thundered money I like this image better than the other one. I only need one visualization about what his name can do. Get the story moving instead , potentially raining a cash load hu? What's a cash load? all over your life or a hot shit storm that threatened to drag you down underneath.

Becca was in bed, puking. Why did you just shift to her? Stay with Tom or the narrator, or the story. IMHO, you are trying to cram too much in too fast. A classic case of overindulgence, I told him. when? Wait, is this all a flashback? She puked at the restaurant, in the plants and back at the hotel. Oh goodness, I know she's puking already
When Tom told her he was going to escort me to the limo she hopped back out of bed with one boob hanging out of her dress funny and puked you've lost my interest now .

So far you have two caricatures - the wealthy old money kind of boy and Paris Hilton - that I don't care about. Worry about drawing their details later and move into the story quicker. With a short, you don't have enough time. You certainly don't need to tell me things three times.

By the end of this section, I don't know where the story takes place or what genre you are in. AND, worse for me, it looks like it was all flashback.

Try figuring out where the story really starts. I suspect it does with the next paragraph or so.

Hope this helps.

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

I was back at the W with Tom. Becca’s Tom. Tom whose big powerful last name had bought us everything all over this stupid hotel. (I really like this opening)Even over the phone that name thundered money, potentially raining a cash load all over your life or a hot shit storm that threatened to drag you down underneath. (You lose me here, because you're just restating your previous sentence. Keep the story moving.)Becca was in bed, puking.(Give me an action verb, not "was") A classic case of overindulgence, I told him. She puked at the restaurant, in the plants and back at the hotel.(I'm not sure I need this info. She's sick. I get it) When Tom told her he was going to escort me to the limo she hopped back out of bed with one boob hanging out of her dress and puked.

First person bothers me because no matter what advice one may try to give, it can always be trumped by the phrase: "That's just my character's voice." So, that aside, here's what I think:

Don't repeat yourself so much. The story will flow better if you don't keep repeating info.

Don't repeat a word like "puke" so much. Editors see repetition of words and they think "lazy" or "untalented" (That comes from an editor at bantam, I'm not just making it up). Rather than repeat "puke," take the opportunity to impress me with a well turned phrase.

I also want to know a little more of the relationships of these people, why they're in the hotel, what's going on. All of this might not fit in the first 13, but most of it should.

And of course, this is all IMHO.

[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited November 20, 2007).]