This is the beginning of a story that I might want to turn into a novel, or might want to finish as a short story. This is a first draft, of which I have about 7 more lines of for now. It is nowhere near being done, but I would like any kind of feedback you want to give me.
Thanks!
Edited for spelling
[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited November 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited November 20, 2007).]
The concept is intriguing though. I like the idea of a time-reader out for hire. If that is what he is. Which is part of the problem--I wasn't sure what he was or who he's working for.
It had an info-feel dump to it, too, because of the references to "one", who must do things a certain way for some reason. I would be more hooked if we had more of him actually doing it, rather than being told how it should and should not be done.
quote:
Flash! All the universe's futures in one moment. Or was it a moment? For all Remus knew, those were all happening now, This statement doesn't seem contrary. If it's happening now, isn't it still all in one moment?and remus Remushad but to choose ? "But Remus had to choose"? or "Remus had only to choose"?which one his consciousness was to live.Weird sentence construction. I'm not sure what you mean here. Is he not alive? But his job now "But his job now was not to philosophize"? It didn't seem to me he was philosophizing. was to philosophize,but to find the best course of action for the Sector 14 Trade and Bank Organization.
Back to work. When sorting through the possible futures, one must picture the outcome.I'm confused here... how is he experiencing these futures? The clearer the outcome in mind, the sooner a favorible favorable match can be found, and Remus was amoung among the best at finding the match.And yet, nothing. Though al allfutures come into the trained mind instantly, noone no one can understand more than a few futures at a time, and the very best could only read so now he's reading them? On what? 10 Tenfutures in a sitting. Those who tried to understand more were sent away from where?, for their own good.
Rick Norwood, I don't understand what you mean by trying to get the entire story into the first paragraph. If you mean it's an infodump, I can change that. If you mean not describing the setting, that was coming later.
I need to ask how the pov is. I might change it to first person, but I'm not sure.
[This message has been edited by Talimar1 (edited November 20, 2007).]
quote:
I need to ask how the pov is. I might change it to first person, but I'm not sure.