Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 of WotF entry...

This is topic First 13 of WotF entry... in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by WriterDan (Member # 6456) on :

This is a dark fantasy short story that weighs in at about 4K words and is finished in first draft. Looking for critiquers/commenters/etc. Hoping to enter it in Writers of the Future contest for 1Q2008 (Dec 31st deadline). It's called "Don't Blink"

Rainwater spattered lightly against the windshield as I turned into home. Toys and bicycles were scattered across the driveway and I did my best to avoid running over them.
The brakes squealed as the car ground to a halt, and I sat there, silent for a moment, not sure if I was ready to go inside.
I looked down at my watch and groaned. It was only ten o'clock.
The shiny metal of the door handle was cold, and I pulled on it, opening the door into—
<<blink>>
—the beautiful, mild air. I glanced up at the blue sky and said a brief prayer of thanks for my favorite inept weatherman. I could always count on him to be wrong.

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

I'll read. Send to the address on my profile.

Thane

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

Hooked. Send it.
One comment: I think the blink should be a whisper, not a shotgun... at least if this is near-to the beginning. Let the reader decide on their own.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

A few suggestions, mostly having to do with saying exactly what you mean instead of approximately what you mean, and making the effort to completely visualize your scene.

Rainwater spattered lightly against the windshield as I turned into home. >>You didn't turn into home, you turned into the driveway.

Toys and bicycles were scattered across the driveway and I did my best to avoid running over them. >>More than one toy and one bicycle is going to block the drive. He's going to have to stop well away from the garage or else get out and move the stuff.

The brakes squealed as the car ground to a halt, and I sat there, silent for a moment, not sure if I was ready to go inside. >>After you slow enough to turn into your driveway, you can't make brakes squeal no matter how quickly you stop.

I looked down at my watch and groaned. >>A person in a car will usually look at the radio clock rather than at a watch.

The shiny metal of the door handle was cold. >> What light is shining on the door handle, what would an outside door handle be other than metal, and why does he notice his own door handle?

God is in the details. Good luck with WOTF.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Um... you may not even be at hatrack anymore, but I just spotted this piece and wanted to say that the imagery is beautifully clear. I like it.

Posted by WriterDan (Member # 6456) on :

I am still here. Thanks for the praise. I'm still working on stuff for WotF in the WotF group here on the forum. Look us up if you're submitting anything for the contest.