Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Dolls

This is topic Dolls in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

“If you wanna play God,” Di poohed, “you gotta play nice, at least at first.”
Head down her new-girl's sulk, Cin shrugged slightly. She feigned disinterest while she shook her dolly in search of animation.
Di pointed, “See? You broke it! Throw it in the water. I don't think there are any more left. Mom and Daddy are making supper.”
Cin didn't move, persisting in her actions. She tried standing her dolly in the soft grass, but the toy simply flopped flat when released from her grip.
“Now I can't play,” Cin moaned.
“Oh we can share.” Di smiled.

This beautiful little yarn is only 1 page long.

[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited November 28, 2007).]

Posted by jaycloomis (Member # 7193) on :

quote:
“If you wanna play God,” Di poohed

Whoa! What the heck is 'poohed' and why does it remind me of the bathroom?? :P

quote:
“If you wanna play God,” Di [poohed -- word choice...] “you gotta play nice, at least at first.”
[Head down her new-girl's sulk what is her head down? I don't understand this sentence...], Cin shrugged [slightly --cut this -- avoid using unnecessary adverbs. Just say 'shrugged'. ] She feigned disinterest while she shook her dolly in search of animation.Di pointed, “See? You broke it! Throw it in the water. I don't think there are any more left. [Mom and Daddy are making supper Kinda came out of no where. Don't rush it. ].”
Cin didn't move, persisting in her actions. She tried standing her dolly in the soft grass, but the toy simply flopped flat when released from her grip.
“Now I can't play,” Cin moaned.
“Oh we can share.” Di smiled.

It identifies a conflict -- the little girl's doll being broken -- and defines the main character. However, it lacks action, and a broken dolly can only draw the reader in so much.
The last two lines seem a bit robotic too. Consider removing "Di smiled." There are only two speakers, it's obvious who is replying to Cin.
Good work! Despite my picking.
-Jay

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

I like poohed; a mixed-up word cause kids are mixed-up people. I held my cursor over it a while though because I knew it distracted. Seen as the story was so short, it wouldn't take long for the reader to determine a like/dislike of the piece, so I said 'oh well.'

Ooops, put 'in' in and it makes more sense. I'm trying to give a quick (and fairly unimportant marker) that this is 'the new girl on the block,' but the modern phrase wouldn't work in the rest of the piece.)
"Head down IN her new-girl's sulk,"
Guilty, I'm trying to reader into what seems to be a 'slightly off' but stock situation.