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“Niels isn’t going to work,” Tau said, slipping into the seat at her console.
Germain peered at her over the rim of his koffy mug. “Don’t be silly. Of course he will. SuperStar predicted it.” Germain had looked over the computer’s history predictions himself to confirm them before they'd sent Bohr's engineered embryo spinning through spacetime.
She shook her head, looking a little sad. Bohr had been her pet project, unlike any of her other operatives. “See for yourself. Niels doesn't splice the atom.”
“It’s Bohr, not Niels,” Germain said. It was one of their protocols never to get too involved in their creations, and calling an operative by first name seemed a bit risky. He
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 29, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 29, 2007).]
Nits below...
“Niels isn’t going to work,” Tau said, slipping into the seat at her console.
When I first read the line, it seemed that it meant he wasn't going to his place of work. Maybe "Niels isn't going to work out?" But that sounds like he's going to the gym. Not sure how to make it clearer.
Germain peered at her over the rim of his koffy British spelling I'm not familiar with?mug. “Don’t be silly. Of course he will. SuperStar not really liking that name predicted it.” Germain had looked over the computer’s history predictions himself to confirm them before they'd sent Bohr's engineered embryo spinning through spacetime. starting to make sense here
She shook her head, looking a little sad. Bohr had been her pet project, unlike any of her other operatives. “See for yourself. Niels doesn't splice the atom.”
“It’s Bohr, not Niels,” Germain said. It was one of their protocols never to get too involved in their creations, and calling an operative by first name seemed a bit risky. He scanned the report Tau handed him. Niels Bohr would only go so as to map
I'd continue to read after the first 13, especially since it's only 5200 words.
[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited November 29, 2007).]
I like the tone and the authentic feel of the dialogue. The plot sounds intruiging, either genetic mods or creation of people in virtual worlds, maybe something else, don't know, don't mind.
Just a couple of nits. I didn't care for "koffy" because it seemed a simplistic way of indicating we're somewhen in the future.
"spinning through spacetime" sounded a bit odd to me. I'm not sure what the concept here is, and while that's ok, I wondered if that what Tau and Germain call where he's going.
If you'd like to e-mail the story to me I'd love to give you a critique although it may take me a few days to get back to you.
Cheers,
Pat
quote:
I'd continue to read after the first 13, especially since it's only 5200 words.
Does this mean your willing to take a gander at it?
Asimov walks around this by writing future events in English, but referring to the language as "Galactic Standard" etc. and talking about how it's a perversion of modern English. He even has a time-traveling character from his time travel to the far distant future where people speaking this English derivative can't understand him, and vice versa just to illustrate that he recognizes the evolution of language. Think of an ancient German hearing us talk.
And you're also doing the sci-fi jargon too soon like I mention in my other thread, but apparently that's just me
[This message has been edited by ArCHeR (edited November 30, 2007).]
quote:
Does this mean your willing to take a gander at it?
Sorry, I could have made that clearer. Yes, I'd like to read it. I probably won't get to it until Tuesday (4 Dec) if that's OK.
Since I haven't read anything of yours, I'll take a peek too.
T2
My main feedback on this first 13, though, is that there's a lot of new/unfamiliar words coming at us all at once. character's names that are unfamiliar, mixed in with a lot of jargon...it's a bit much to introduce so quickly.
I don't know if it's a great practice, but one way I've seen this sort of thing handled is through MC inner dialogue/thoughts. For example:
"Don't be silly. SuperStar predicted it." Superstar was the spaceship's main computer system. SuperStar was never wrong. Or at least, never before.
-See what I mean? Now that I wrote that suggestion, it occurred to me that we don't have any idea of setting, which makes it hard for me to situate this. Are they on a spaceship? Another planet? clearly they're indoors, she's at a console, but that's about all I can figure. It's helpful, at least to me as a reader of sci-fi, to have a place to ground myself in.
Also, it seems like shifting POV here. Who is the MC? I always assume ppl writing in 3rd person are writin 3rd person limited, but this has an omni feel to it (germain's inner thought, tau's inner thoughts...) If you're writing omni, great. If you meant to be 3rd person limited, you might want to rein in the thoughts or peg them all to one character or the other.
Anyway - if you still want readers, let me know. Busy week but I can get to this sometime soon (say so if you have a specific deadline.)