Hatrack River Writers Workshop: WIP

This is topic WIP - The Fire in her Eyes in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

I'm nowhere near being done with this, but I'm curious what you all think of the beginning.
It's contemporary fantasy.

__________________________________________________________
The only thing in the attic was a painting covered in canvas. Roger was relieved – he wouldn’t have to move a bunch of junk before he could paint the room. Even better, the attic was free from the old-man smell that pervaded the rest of the house.
Roger’s footprints made deep dents in the dust. He set his buckets of paints and his brushes down to pull up a corner of the canvas. The painting displayed a girl in early twentieth-century clothes. She was beautiful. Chestnut brown hair fell across her shoulders, and her slender figure bulged in all the right places. The painter was good—he had captured a gentle expression and vivid blue eyes. Roger leaned closer. It was almost as if her eyes were alive and flickering with blue fire.
Roger didn’t even have time to scream. The canvas fell back

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

It's a great start, very visual, and I want to know what happens next. Just one thing: for me "bulge" and "beautiful" don't go together.

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :

Pictures coming alive are pretty common these days, but I personally don't tire of them. Still, if there is something in particular that makes this one unique, I'd get it up front ASAP. I'd definitely read on to find out what's happening.

Posted by Plume (Member # 7278) on :

I like it. The old man smell made me smile. I want to find out what is next.

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

quote:
The only thing in the attic was a painting covered in canvas. (1)Roger was relieved – he wouldn’t have to move a bunch of junk before he could paint the room. (2)Even better, the attic was free from the old-man smell that pervaded the rest of the house.
Roger’s footprints made deep dents (WC)in the dust. He set his buckets of paints and his brushes (3)down to pull up a corner of the canvas. The painting displayed a girl in early twentieth-century clothes.(4) She was beautiful. (5)Chestnut brown hair fell across her shoulders, and her slender figure bulged (curved?)in all the right places. The painter was good(rephrase)—he had captured a gentle expression and vivid blue eyes. Roger leaned closer. It was almost as if her eyes were alive and flickering with blue fire.
Roger didn’t even have time to scream. (6)The canvas fell back

I think is really good. This is how I think it could be better:

(1) I hate "was" at the beginning of a story. What you've done is forgone the opportunity to immediately bring me into Roger's head in favor of telling what's in the attic. I suggest showing me that image through Roger's eyes, which means I want to see Roger before I see the painting.

(2) Major empathy issue here. Painting an attic? Aren't attics usually the space between the top floor and the roof? Pretty much every attic I've been in has had nails from shingles sticking through the ceiling. Why attempt to paint?

(3) Another empathy issue. He carried multiple buckets of paint, and paintbrushes at the same time?

(4) Two issues here. "The painting displayed" The painting didn't display. The painting was. Probably not that big of a deal, but it threw me off. Also, "early twentieth-century clothes." I'm a firm believer in everything coming from your characters POV, therefore, I don't buy this phrase. Saying "early twentieth-century clothes" is you telling the reader. What I want to read is what Roger sees - a description of the clothes.

(5) "Beautiful" is relative. It gives no strong image. Since you go on to describe her beauty, I don't think you need this sentence at all.

(6) Scream about what? The flaming blue eyes? I'm confused, although I guess that might be the fault of the 13 line rule.

And of course, this is all IMHO.

Except rooting everything in POV. In the modern publishing world, there are very few who can get away with not doing that.

[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited November 30, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

The writing is solid. I could like it a lot but I had a plausability problem.

Somehow Roger had paint and the necessary supplies ready for the room but had never been there before. Anyone who's painted a room knows you measure it first, to make sure you buy enough paint. It's a real PITA (Pain in the A) when you don't. That threw me out of the story.

I'd follow it better if Roger was sans painting supplies and just scoping out the attic for possible renovation/refurb. Also, if he bought or inherited the house, wouldn't he have done a walk-thru already?

It might be better if the painting was stuck behind something and he didn't see it the first time.

The other NIT - if Roger didn't have time to scream - don't tell me about it if I'm in his POV. It's like saying, Roger didn't see the punch that laid him out. If Roger didn't see it, than in his POV, I won't either. We'll just feel the effects.

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

Thanks for the feedback, everyone.

Talespinner: good point. I'll changed it to 'curved' in the next draft.

TOFM: Really? I've seen some nicer attics in older houses on the East Coast. That's what I'm going by. Good point about the first sentence; I'll change that. Thanks for the other feedback too; it's much appreciated.

kingsfalcon: d'oh! Obviously, I've never painted a room before. Thanks for pointing that out. Also, Roger is the POV in the beginning of the story, but he's not the main character.

This story is still in progress; most of it's a disaster actually, but I'll update again when it's done.

Again, thank you all!