Hatrack River Writers Workshop: An Overgrown Clump of Narcissists

This is topic An Overgrown Clump of Narcissists in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

First 13 of yet another WIP. If not a flash, then I expect it to be less than 2,000 words.

Hope to have it done soon,

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“I don’t think you should do it,” Niner said.
For the last hour I’d been sprawled out on my cheap, threadbare couch watching way-too-late holovision as he lay in my lap. I spent more time flipping through the channels than actually watching anything. Past the poorly restored footage of the afro-haired white guy painting “happy trees.” Past the infomercial promising “instant weight loss for only $429.95.” Past the tottering old southern chef who, for reasons passing understanding, still shouted, “Bam!” I finally settled on gardening, if for no other reason than I’d never actually touched dirt. Come to find out, these gardening ladies got a lot to worry about.
“…can see, Jim, this clump is far too overgrown. The blooms in

Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :

This isn't working for me. You give me the hook of wondering what he shouldn't do, and then you go on to describe watching tv. After the first two channels I wanted to shout "I get it! He's watching tv!" I advise starting over, and getting to the story as quick as possible.

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

Revised.

Hope this provides a better hook.
_______________________

I had the gun in my mouth, ready to pull the trigger, when Niner said, “I don’t think you should do it.” Guess I’m lucky the surprise didn’t kill me.
For the last hour I’d been sprawled out on my cheap, threadbare couch watching way-too-late holovision as he lay in my lap. I spent more time flipping through the channels than actually watching anything. Past the poorly restored footage of the afro-haired white guy painting “happy trees.” Past the tottering old southern chef who, for unknown reasons, persisted in shouting, “Bam!” I finally settled on gardening, but only because I’d never actually touched dirt. Come to find out, these gardening ladies got a lot to worry about.
“As you can see, this clump of daffodils is far too overgrown.

Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :

I think this is better, and would read more. Of course, you owe the reader an explanation for how watching TV can be relevant to the fact that the MC has a gun in his mouth, and also why he felt *lucky* not to have been killed by the surprise (after all, that would just save him the effort of pulling the trigger, right?)

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

These lines:

quote:
I had the gun in my mouth, ready to pull the trigger, when Niner said, “I don’t think you should do it.” Guess I’m lucky the surprise didn’t kill me.

I liked.

The rest killed this for me. You have the MC with a gun in his mouth and you flash back an hour?? EEEK. You've just hit a huge NIT for me. Tell me what's going on. Also, you diminish the shock/hook value of the first two lines.

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

Excellent points, all. I'm not even sure what the NIT acronym means, but it's obvious that several of you didn't think it worked. I completed the first draft today (it only weighs in at 1,850 words) and think that I can simply re-arrange language from another part of the story to make this hook stronger and more complete.

Tell me if this does the trick...

_____________________________

I had the gun in my mouth, ready to pull the trigger, when I heard a voice say, “I don’t think you want to do that.” Guess I’m lucky the surprise didn’t kill me. When I heard the voice, I spit Niner out and looked around, trying to see who was talking to me. I figured I was just hearing things. Either that or my sub-conscience was working overtime trying to keep me alive. I shook my head to clear out the cobwebs, and then started to put Niner back in my mouth.
Before I even got close, he said, “Look, I think we should talk about this.”
I froze, looking around everywhere to see who was talking. Freaked out, I shouted, “Who the hell is that?”
“Put me down and I’ll tell you.”
It didn’t take me long to set him back on the couch.

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited November 30, 2007).]

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

Frags. (:
I'd suggest you interspace a catalogue of the TV's offerings between dialogue between the protagonist and the antagonist. Might get that sardonic feel you want while flowing.
Just an idea.
Not sure if I'd read on just yet. Saw a lot of Palahniuk in that, so I'm hovering...

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

Had lots of acronyms and buzz word comments on this work. It sounds like it either hooks or it doesn't.

I don't know what "NIT" or "Frags" mean exactly, but I can guess. It would be interesting to know what they mean to you so that I can better understand your perspectives on this intro.

The TV watching, particularly two of the shows that are mentioned, are important, as they both provides significant background drops and transitions. The TV also provides character shaping and emotional digression, mindset and impacts the overall plot.

I have the first revision done for those who are interested in trying it on. Its about 1,900 words, so doubt it would take long to decide whether it's any good.

Cheers,

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

quote:
I don't know what "NIT" or "Frags" mean exactly, but I can guess.

"Nit" is short for nit-pick, usually meaning a small point that strikes the current reader as wrong or is personally annoying to them, but it is probably not significant enough to change unless other people point out that it's a problem for them, too.

I'm assuming "Frags" mean fragments, also known as incomplete sentences. However, that doesn't seem to be how supraturtle is using it, so you'll have to wait for supraturtle's explanation on that.

hope this helped.

Posted by Plume (Member # 7278) on :

ESL here but let me give it a stab.
Your hook:
I had the gun in my mouth, ready to pull the trigger, when Niner said, “I don’t think you should do it.” Guess I’m lucky the surprise didn’t kill me.

I like it better than your new version. Why do you have to use "Niner" right away? What about: I had the gun in my mouth, ready to pull the trigger when I heard "I don't think you should do it". The bullet didn't kill me, but the surprise almost did.