“A Lawyer, Gods yes I’m a Lawyer…. We live in a world full of people lopping heads off with scimitars and gunning each other down in the street. Do you have any idea how much legal jiggery-pokery is generated by that sort of thing?”
Thadeus looked the Troll right in the eye when he said this. He was dangling upside down from the Troll’s hand, which held him by the leg. Thadeus had to crane his neck to catch the Troll’s eye all the while holding his kilt so that it didn’t fly up over his face or expose himself to the young woman that stood aside looking up at the Troll wide eyed.
“This young lady has business with your Boss,” explained the harried Dwarf, “and I mean to see that we get in to see him, today”
Ok I hope that doesn't go over the 13 lines. A little background on the piece. The year is 1886 and everything is pretty much the same as our world except the fact that most any creature of fantasy actually exists so does magic in one form or another. Columbus still crossed to the Americas, the American revolution still occurred and the Civil War happened just as it did 20 years before this conversation takes place.
[This message has been edited by JBaird (edited November 30, 2007).]
Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :
Interesting... I would keep reading.
Do you mean "lopping" instead of "lobbing"?
Posted by JBaird (Member # 7280) on :
oops can't catch them all Thats why I'm here.
Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :
I would keep reading.
Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :
Yeah my curiousity is peaked.
Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :
By the way, I envy your occupation.
Posted by JBaird (Member # 7280) on :
Honestly, if you actually worked in that occupation you would not envy it. It is a labor of love and we are the lowest paid of all the sciences. Thats one of the reasons I am getting out I need to grow up and get a real (paying) job.
I would not mind sharing the rest of the story but I sort of want to find somewhere to get it published. Anyone have an idea where this type of story might best fit?
Posted by mfreivald (Member # 3413) on :
I know more about the tediousness, the frustrations, and the politics than you realize, yet I still envy it. Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
I think you should move the Dwarf’s line up as a response to the pov’s line. The intervening bit about being held up by a troll is long and convoluted so it defuses some of the tension/interest of the opening line. Yes, you need the narration, but it could use some refining to flow better and faster. Meanwhile, it couldn’t hurt to add something about the Dwarf’s being…where? Hmmm…if it comes before the explanation about the troll…??? Maybe not, if you put the troll, the Dwarf, and the young lady all in the narrative paragraph since they seem to be a group anyway.
Yeah, and I lost the flow when you said – as it is now – “harried” Dwarf. It’s not immediately apparent how/why the Dwarf is harried. Impatient, that would work. But – for me – harried would require a bit of explanation.
Good start, however. Lots of questions raised for me.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited December 01, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
people (even dwarfy, trolly people) are "who"'s, not "that"s. Sounds fun. I'll read.
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
quote:I would not mind sharing the rest of the story but I sort of want to find somewhere to get it published. Anyone have an idea where this type of story might best fit?
First, people saying "I would read more" generally is our way of letting you know that your thirteen lines are effective in catching and holding a readers interest.
Second, many people who post their first thirteen lines would like to find people willing to privately critique the story to help polish up the overall story. This does not count as "publishing" your story and usually increase your chances of actually getting it published. If you don't want to do this, that's fine, but it looked like you were misunderstanding what people were saying.
To find a market for your short story, you might try: Duotrope Ralan
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited December 01, 2007).]
Posted by JBaird (Member # 7280) on :
Oh ok I'm new so I am not sure about how things work. The story is finished so if anyone would like to read it and give me feedback please email me at gideonwoulfe@yahoo.com
Posted by dienstag (Member # 5696) on :
Love it! I'll drop you an email.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
There is certainly lots of grist for the writing mill from your occupation. James Michener's The Source is one of my favorite novels, even with its flaws.
My suggestion to the Troll: eat the lawyer immediately. (Just kidding, Falcon.)
Posted by JBaird (Member # 7280) on :
Three stories later that Troll would have regretted the decision to eat this particular Lawyer.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
If it's ready for readers, I'll take a look at it.
Posted by Jon Ruyle (Member # 5943) on :
I'll read if you send.
Posted by bigdawgpoet (Member # 7046) on :
Please, send this one along. There are some polishing things to be effected, but it sounds like a very entertaining read!
Thats why I'm here.