Bram was in his garden, playing “Slay the Dragon” with his daughter. He, of course, had been chosen for the part of Dragon. What than meant was his daughter hit him with her wooden sword until he fell over. She could hit pretty hard for a six-year-old. Katya had a fascination with Dragons, elves and swords, but she loved frilly dresses.
It was her birthday, so he left his most trusted servant in charge of his work for a while to spend time with his daughter. His wife was in town, buying ingredients for cake. To say that the day was beautiful would be cliché, but that did seem to be that case. The sun shone brightly, but not too brightly. Birdsong filled the little garden, as if the birds were serenading the young girl. A few puffy white clouds floated

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2007).]
 

One question, however. You say your "book". How long is it? (Doesn't matter to me, understand...just curious.)

Thanks for posting!
 

1. This is longer than 13 lines - your first 13 would actually end just before the last paragraph, and in short order, SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED shall strike down upon your excerpt with great vengance and furious anger, and shall thence edit it down to size. A good rule of thumb for new Hatrackers is 13 lines of 12 point courier should fit exactly in the little text entry window, if you remove paragraph spaces.

2. I noticed your use of "book" too. Should this have rather gone into the Novel's section, rather than short stiroes? You'll occasionally get different feedback, since the compressed nature of short stories makes us critiquers a little more demanding when looking at the first 13.

3. Your ideas seem a little jumbled in the first two paragraphs. There are all sorts of information coming at us quickly, and each successive bit is brushed off just as quickly as the next item in line rolls along. Essentially, you're telling us stuff, rather than showing it to us, and at this stage of the story/book, I'd rather be shown important things than told about periphery details. If the Bram's personality is important, particularly how he deals with his children and family, then show us more of that rather than have the narrator comment on the beauty of the day and the arrangements for a party.

4. The last paragraph (the one that will be cut) is a total info dump. Were I in your shoes, I'd try and find other ways of working that information into the book. Bram's worried about elvish incursions into his lands? Have him say so, in a proper context, to show it to us.

Do with my thoughts as you will. Your writing is technically pretty good, I think you just need to really zero in on the story you are telling, and in particular, the scene you are putting down for us. This scene here is a little disjointed. Were I an editor, I don't know that I'd go much further past this point without tossing it onto the rejection pile.

Jayson Merryfield
 

I didn't mean to put it in the wrong section. I'm a newbie. *whines*

And yes, I meant 'novel'. I've got about 18 pages thus far.

[This message has been edited by Darth Petra (edited December 07, 2007).]
 

Sorry if it seems that way. I strike with impartiality.

Anyway, Darth Petra, the way we figure the 13 lines is as if they were in 12-point courier font (which is what an ancient typewriter would produce). That way, it's the same for everyone.
 

Being an elf fan, and gnomes as well (I have one in my living room who watches over my place for me while I'm gone,) I would be interested in reading your story.

Feel free to email me - I also love the fantasty genre, generally.

Best,
Tina
 

OK, sorry. I do actually have something useful (I think) to say. The main thing I noticed when reading your first thirteen is that I wasn't sure what time period or place this is set in. It seemed to me like maybe it was in a modern setting, but it wasn't clear. It could also be set in Victorian England. It could also be in a medieval kind of setting for all I can tell. Perhaps you could throw in some little detail (maybe a car, or a horse and buggy, or some armor) to anchor this scene in time and space.

And believe me, all of the writers around here are way too busy trying to reign in their own floods of great ideas and get them down on paper to worry about trying to steal your fuzzy elves. If that's not enough to put your mind at ease, the file you saved on your computer is time-stamped, so you can prove you wrote it first if the need should arise.

[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited December 11, 2007).]