Here's the first 13:
The hallway was nearly pitch black. She stopped moving for a moment and strained her ears for any noise. In the concrete corridor, she would certainly have heard any footfalls, any labored breathing. But she heard nothing. She looked forward, allowing her vision to relax, to unfocus, looking for any detectable sign of motion in the darkness. Still nothing.
She heard the beginnings of a faint rumbling in the passage behind her, and started forward again. She needed to find another maintenance hatch before the transport module, or Tran-mod arrived, which it would do very shortly. As she moved forward, she activated her Incom.
Alpha Red, to report, she thought clearly.
A moment later, the return thought came just as clearly.
OK, let me know what I need to do. :-) Thanks, guys.
~Ben (bigdawgpoet)
quote:
[The hallway was nearly pitch black.don't use the passive voice] She stopped moving for a moment and strained her ears for any noise. In the concrete corridor, she would certainly have heard any footfalls, any labored breathing. But she heard nothing. She looked forward, allowing her vision to relax, to unfocus, looking for any detectable sign of motion in the darkness. Still nothing.
She heard the beginnings of a faint rumbling in the passage behind her, and started forward again. She needed to find another maintenance hatch before the transport module, [or Tran-mod arrived omit this, needless information. Tran-Mod means exactly the same thing, just abbreviated], which it would do very shortly. As she moved forward, she activated her Incom.
Alpha Red, to report, she thought clearly.
A moment later, the return thought came just as clearly.
Well done, sounds interesting enough. Keep it up, get past that fear of sci-fi! (you're the one who was having problems with it, no?)
-Jay
[This message has been edited by jaycloomis (edited December 09, 2007).]
Hey, how would you say the first sentence in active voice? I was trying to think on it, and couldn't come up with anything.
How about this: She stared into the pitch-black hallway.
The first para uses a lot of words to tell us it's dark and something's chasing her.
Jay's right, you don't need transport module and Tran-mod, not least because we can hear the author explaining. Since we're in her head, which term does she think of it as? -- transmod, I'm betting, so maybe call it that and let it explain itself when she finds it. And would it have a capital 'T'? Only if it's a brand name, methinks - ditto "Incom"
It gets interesting with the line "Alpha Red, to report, she thought clearly." Yet if they can communicate telepathically, what's the incom for?
But, interesting, I'd read on. When you're ready for readers, I'm game.
Oh and, "Serious Sci-Fi" - is there any other kind? ;-)
Hope this helps,
Pat
edited to add: Assuming the narrator knows her name, it's probably best to use it straight off, so perhaps, "Abigail stopped and stared into the pitch-black hallway."
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited December 09, 2007).]
Kudos to you for exploring an unknown genre....why not? If nothing else, a good exercise in creativity.
I agree with jay and tale in that the first few lines are perhaps a little redundant, passive and need a little more tension to draw the reader in. I'm a female and could relate though -- a dark area, alert to strange noises or footfalls -- maybe set the scene less generically in that sense before driving home the point this is not an empty parking garage or hallway in an apartment complex or hotel - then take us to the sci-fi-esque place this lady is in....elements of action, surprise... is she walking slowly, carefully down the hall, etc....
Comments below. Haven't figured out yet if I need html code for italics or bold, etc. so will do it the old-fashioned way:
Take my two-cents for what it's worth to you. ;-)
Best regards,
Tina
[] = suggested deletions
() = suggested additions/comments
The hallway was nearly pitch black.
(consider another phrase/description of "pitch black" to capture how dark it was in the you can't even see your hands in front of your face hallway...lol)
She stopped moving for a moment and strained her ears
(how do you strain your ears? awkward phrasing.)
for any noise. In the concrete corridor, she would certainly have heard any footfalls, any labored breathing. But she heard nothing.
(good description - concrete hall, any little noise would reverberate, she hears nothing)
She looked forward, allowing her vision to relax, to unfocus, looking for any detectable sign of motion in the darkness. Still nothing.
(Good description, she is visibly relaxing in my mind. Reader's sigh of relief, phew!)
She heard the beginnings of a faint rumbling in the passage behind her, and started forward again. She needed to find another maintenance hatch before the transport module, or Tran-mod arrived, which it would do very shortly. As she moved forward, she activated her Incom.
Alpha Red, to report, she thought clearly.
(Now she's all business - we know this lady is a star soldier or something, hmmmm.... ok, I'm reading on! )
A moment later, the return thought came just as clearly.
(??? I'd be glad to read the next entry in your thoughts... feel free to email me them. :-)
[This message has been edited by Tina Hoffman (edited December 09, 2007).]
First of all,
quote:is not passive.
The hallway was nearly pitch black.
Passive voice is when a sentence is reworded so that the object of the action becomes the subject of the sentence.
Instead of "the dog bit the man," you have "the man was bitten by the dog" (the man, the object of the action -- the noun that was bitten, or acted upon -- is the subject of that statement when it is written in passive voice).
You can't have passive voice unless something has been acted upon, unless there is a sentence "object" in the grammatical terms sense.
The quote above is in what might be called "static voice" because it is a sentence of description that shows no action. But it is not "passive" in the grammatical terms sense.
Having "was" in a sentence may be an indicator of "static voice," but it does not mean "passive voice" every time it appears.
For a list of topics in which "passive voice" is discussed, please go to:
http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum3/HTML/000016.html
I agree with TaleSpinner, that it would help to have her name immediately (or at least some personal designation, other than she/her).
I'd be happy to read more, once you get further.