I tried my best to just grit my teeth and forget where I was. Claustrophobia was hell. Why'd these machines have to be so small? I opened my eyes and immediately regretted it. They snapped shut almost of their own accord.
Deep...even...breaths. Don't think about it. It'll all be over soon.
I swore that this was the last time I'd let myself be slid into an MRI machine. It’d be the first and the last.
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Marie slid over the wall and down through the rose bush. Her heart ached as it always had since she had died. Thorns that would have brought blood before, slid through her without effect. Scents that her mind yearned to caress were
[This message has been edited by WriterDan (edited December 11, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 11, 2007).]
The second paragraph scene I found much more compelling. But now I'm doubly confused--you've got first person POV and third person. Does the first person know about the third person? How is that, craft wise, going to work? Probably I'm thinking too much like a writer right now, but it made me skeptical on moving forward.
~Ben (bigdawgpoet)
I'd be happy to take another look at it, since I saw the first version. Feel free to send it.
T2
quote:
Marie slid over the wall and down through the rose bush. Her heart ached as it always had since she had died. Thorns that would have brought blood before, slid through her without effect. Scents that her mind yearned to caress were
If she walks through the rose bush, how is she able to slid (I'm reading this as "climb and slid down the other side") over the wall? For that matter, why not just walk through the wall as well.
Edit: Actually, I just realize another thing that was bugging me. How can her heart ache (a physical sensation) when she clearly doesn't have a physical body anymore? If this was a heart ache she had from the day she died (i.e. she died of a heart attack and can still feel it), I'd accept it as a mental thing rather than a truly physical thing. However, you say this ache occurred since (I'm reading that as "starting after she died") she died.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited December 12, 2007).]
Scene two: as was already mentioned, definitely rid Marie of any connectivity to still being in the physical world. That, for me, threatened to derail an otherwise intriguing scenario.
S!
S!...C!