Jon was stirred from sleep by the smell of fresh coffee coming from the kitchen. The sun was just coming up. He had had a peaceful night’s sleep, which usually meant something bad was going to happen.
He got out of bed, started his laptop, turned on the TV, and set about his normal routine.
After putting on his slippers, Jon stepped outside to get his newspapers. He went back to his room, sat in his chair, and turned to the National section of the Times. As he skimmed the headlines, the FoxNews correspondent said a name that immediately grabbed his attention.
Richard Sommers.
The man was a serial rapist and child molester in Florida, and
Still, send it along. :-)
~Ben (bigdawgpoet)
The smell of fresh coffee stirred Jon from sleep. The sun was coming up. He had had a peaceful night’s sleep, which usually meant something bad was going to happen.
He got out of bed, started his laptop, turned on the TV, and set about his normal routine.
After putting on his slippers, Jon stepped outside to get his newspapers. He went back to his room, sat in his chair, and turned to the National section of the Times. As he skimmed the headlines, the FoxNews correspondent said a name that immediately grabbed his attention.
Richard Sommers.
The man was a serial rapist and child molester in Florida, and his trial was set to start the next day. According to what Jon had heard, the Feds had the guy over a barrel. Sommers liked to keep tr
You can get a lot more into your first thirteen that way.
Besides that, let's talk craft.
quote:
The smell of fresh coffee stirred Jon from sleep. The sun was coming up. (1)He had had (2)a peaceful night’s sleep, which usually meant something bad was going to happen.
***He got out of bed, started his laptop, turned on the TV, and set about his normal routine.
After putting on his slippers, Jon stepped outside to get his newspapers. He went back to his room, sat in his chair, and turned to the National section of the Times.*** (3) As he skimmed the headlines, the FoxNews correspondent said a name that immediately grabbed his attention.(4)
Richard Sommers.
The man was a serial rapist and child molester in Florida, and his trial was set to start the next day. According to what Jon had heard, the Feds had the guy over a barrel. Sommers liked to keep tr
1. Always try to avoid "was." This is a prime example of why. Instead of the boring, weak, "the sun was coming up," you could have wowed me with a well turned sentence about sunlight creeping through the window.
2. "Had" is another word to avoid unless absolutely necessary. "had had" well... While I like the juxtaposition between a good night's sleep and something bad happening, I think you could have worded it better. Fewer words is usually better. Here the awkward "he had had a good night's sleep" could be replaced with something shorter and stronger, like "he awoke well rested, which meant..." I'm sure you can come up with something short, strong, and artful.
3. You don't need anything between the ***. Unless his morning routine is of some importance later, this is unnecessary action.
4. I don't like "a happened as b happened" sentences. Not everyone here agrees with me on this, but I have it on good authority that most publishers and editors do. Short and powerful sentences are the way to go.
And, if I may, a suggestion: How about just giving me the voice of the news anchor? Then you wouldn't need the narration and background you go into in the next paragraph. It's always a good idea to blend necessary info into action.
Overall, get into Jon's head. Make me see what he sees. At the same time, however, only show me the things he sees that are relevant to the story.
Sentences should be strong and to the point. Use the fewest words possible. That way, when you want to use an artful sentence, it stands out more beautifully.
[This message has been edited by TheOnceandFutureMe (edited December 19, 2007).]
IMHO, you could start with:
Jon's peaceful night’s sleep usually meant something bad was going to happen.
A transition sentance - like: it seemed that today was no exception - and then move into the newspaper article.
On to what you wrote:
quote:
The smell of fresh coffee stirred Jon from sleep. Not bad but not hooky and a bit cliched. I want you to really WOW me with the next line to justify the opening one The sun was coming up. Rats. This is somewhat redundant. I'll assume it is early morning unless you tell me otherwise. He had had a peaceful night’s sleep, which usually meant something bad was going to happen. Oooh. What's going to happen? Despite the "had had" I was interestedHe got out of bed, started his laptop, turned on the TV, and set about his normal routine. Ugh. Why do I care? Get me to the bad thing.
After putting on his slippers, Jon stepped outside to get his newspapers. He went back to his room, sat in his chair, and turned to the National section of the Times. Again, the routine is pulling me away from the story As he skimmed the headlines, the FoxNews correspondent said a name that immediately grabbed his attention. You can probably modify this line to get to the point quicker. There was a story about Richard Sommers.
Richard Sommers.
The man was a serial rapist and child molester in Florida, and his trial was set to start the next day. According to what Jon had heard, the Feds had the guy over a barrel. so what's the problem? Why does Jon care? Sommers liked to keep tr
If you streamline this you can get the important questions - like why Jon cares about Sommers and give a hint about what is going to go wrong within the first 13.
Good luck.