Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rum for Legba (5k fantasy horror)

This is topic Rum for Legba (5k fantasy horror) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

Does this flow?

I'm not sure if intestacy is the correct word, also I'm not sure if anyone really knows that word and if I should replace it with something like 'soul-estate'.

quote:

My grandfather believes that murder is a purchase in the next world; your soul in payment for a death. In his mind the first stop for killers isn't hell, it is a board-room where the victims discuss how to legally divide up the assets. If it is a conference table with sixteen seats then people will be standing shoulder-to-shoulder arguing over my intestacy with Sarah acting as presiding judge
Sarah smiles at me.
Her teeth are white, professionally bleached and beautiful when you don't focus on the dark purple gums framing them. She notices me and sticks out her tongue; it is black and glossy like the body of a leech.

Posted by wetwilly (Member # 1818) on :

This is a great hook. I think it flows very well and it is very interesting. It definitely makes me want to read the rest.

The only negative I see is the one you already suspect: I had to look up "intestacy." I'm pretty sure I've never seen that word or heard anybody use it. It doesn't even look like a real English word to me. That word is probably going to be a big stumbling block for a lot of people.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

It flows all right. I kept thinking that "intestacy" was a misspelling for "intestate" - dying without a will. I'd have been lost without the comment to describe it.

Also, I'm not sure why you need the first paragraph. If the MC is dead and he's facing the tribunal, what grandpa thought is moot. Or tweak it a bit to say -"My grandfather was right. . . ."

If the MC's not dead, I'm lost.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

quote:
That word is probably going to be a big stumbling block for a lot of people.

Yeah I agree, thanks. I'm going to have to replace intestacy with something... probably soul. I don't know though, soul seems to come with much more baggage, I wanted to use 'estate' but that doesn't make much sense either. All in all, it's just a word, yeah I'll use soul.

quote:
Also, I'm not sure why you need the first paragraph.
...
If the MC's not dead, I'm lost.

Good point.

A few paragraphs later I say something to the point of "My grandfather never mentioned what happens if someone comes to collect early.". I could bump that up higher, to help the reader understand that he isn't dead yet. Maybe right after Sarah sticks her tongue out.

I've been fighting with that first paragraph and I can't get it to a point that I like it. Sometimes it is too info-dumpish, or it just makes no sense. Maybe I will cut it out completely.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I guess you could use the vague assets in italics to let the reader know that the term will be defined later. Assets could then be describe as soul, estate...whatever you decide it means.

Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :

How about "spiritual estate" instead of just soul or estate? Sounds like you're making a play on probate court anyway, so instead of "real estate" you could use something as a linguistic play. Even "surreal estate" would be funny.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

Hey I like that, thanks!