I slammed against the wire fence. It trembled beneath my hands, rattling into the wind. Dropping to the tarmac, I slid under the gap between it and the ground. Snags of metal had grazed angry claw marks into my back, but I was on the other side and one step nearer to safety.
Behind me, closing in, I could hear the footsteps of the tech-censors with their E-M shock cannons. Their plasteel armour rustled as they ran. Ahead of me, opening up whole avenues of possibility, were the tangling streets of Senaar´s District Z. Neon lights failed to banish the shadow of Babilu, which squatted above the city like a mad fat god, and so the coiling roads became snarling eels, oozing in ink.
I plunged into their dark morass. Pelting through a crowd
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited December 13, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited December 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited December 15, 2007).]
[EDIT: Pulled the line about ´Snags of metal´ into the following line and dropped the bit between that reworded the earlier sentence. Also, I changed ´light plastic´ to ´plasteel´.]
[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited December 16, 2007).]
~Ben (bigdawgpoet)
quote:
I slammed against the wire fence. It trembled beneath my hands, rattling into the wind. Dropping to the tarmac, I slid under the gap between it and the ground. Snags of metal grazed angry claw marks into my belly as I scraped under them.
I think you've double-described an action here. "I slid under... " and then later, "As I scraped under.... " I think this draws the action out a bit too long.
quote:
But I was on the other side and one step nearer to safety.
At this point, I'm more worried about the details than what will happen next. Who is this person? Why are they escaping, and from what? Is there a clue you can slip into the narrative here?
quote:
Behind me, closing in, I could hear the footsteps of the tech-censors with their E-M shock cannons. Their light plastic armour rustled as they ran. Ahead of me, opening up whole avenues of possibility, were the tangling streets of Senaar´s District Z. Neon lights failed to banish the shadow of Babilu, which squatted above the city like a mad fat god, and so the coiling roads became snarling eelse eels? Not sure what this word is., oozing in ink.I plunged into their dark morass. Pelting through a crowd
I like the style, but it was already feeling a bit tiresome by the end of the thirteen. It's not bad, but perhaps a trifle overdone. My advise is not to lose the style, but to trim the story carefully so it isn't overdone.
I think this might be a case where Orson Scott Card's advise that the first paragraph is free so long as it helps establish setting might be useful. It would help to know more about who the person is and why, and from what, they are escaping. I don't need a whole backstory; just enough to get me focused.
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited December 14, 2007).]
"Behind me, closing in, I could hear the footsteps of the tech-censors with their E-M shock cannons. Their light plastic armour rustled as they ran."
This reads a little jargon-ish to me. Plus, how could he tell the guards were carrying cannons just by hearing them? Also, the "light plastic armor" seems out of place, like you're describing how Hollywood would simulate soldiers armor. Do they really wear light plastic, like a plastic container? Here's a good place to get a little jargony, maybe kick it up with "Their plasteel armor plates rattled as they ran," or something like that. The light plastic makes me think of storm troopers girded in plastic sour cream containers.
"Ahead of me, opening up whole avenues of possibility, were the tangling streets of Senaar´s District Z. Neon lights failed to banish the shadow of Babilu, which squatted above the city like a mad fat god, and so the coiling roads became snarling eelse, oozing in ink."
Again, you're throwing a lot of terms at us, and these are somewhat more confusing. Is Babilu a nearby mountain? Something actually hovering over the city? Is it a spaceship? An huge physical creature? A meta-physical creature taking the form of a huge cloud? Why District Z? Why not just Senaar? Does the fact that there are different districts become important later in the story? Why are the streets black (you're going for this with "oozing in ink" and "dark morass")? Is that important?
There seems to be an awful lot going on in this first 13. Perhaps a little bit of focus is called for - is this a chase scene, or a description of the city? In so short a space, you've attempted both, neither quite gripping enough to hold a readers attention.
The language also seems to be a tad uneven. We go from starting a sentence with but (5th sentence) to dark morass (last sentence). Part of the cause of this is the contrast between high action and symbolic description that's going on in here. Focus, and a little more attention, should help that.
Jayson Merryfield
I like how you jump straight into the action, and there's lots of light, movement and mood.
But I couldn't believe in the light plastic armour. I almost accepted the tangling streets but coiling roads, eelse and ink were too much.
I'd be interested to see the revision, because there's something attractive in the style.
Pat
I love this opening! Vivid, creative, evocative.
You could skip the next sentence ("belly" threw me -- I expected him to go under face-down).
“I was on the other side and one step nearer to safety.” Safety from what? Why do these (people? machines?) want to catch/recapture him?
And what the others said.
Basically, the darkness, Babilu, District Z and why the narrator is being chased all become important to the story. Babilu is a towering building surrounding the city of Senaar and blocking out all the sunlight, which is affecting the citizens on the ground. District Z is the red light district and crime hub of the city, where one of the major characters is introduced. Finally, why the narrator is being chased is the big secret of the story, which is revealed at the end, naturally (she doesn´t know entirely, herself, at the beginning).
Thanks also for all your comments. I like ´plasteel´to describe the armour of the tech-censors. That´s more what I was thinking than tupperware soldiers . . . although the latter might work well in a comedy.
Adam
xxx