Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 28 years - 1000 words

This is topic 28 years - 1000 words - complete in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

This was written for the 1000 word flash fiction challenge, but I missed the deadline since I have been without power.

Anyway, I wanted to see what you guys thought, so I'm posting the first 13. I may need to edit it some, but limited laptop power right now so it’s going to have to wait for a fine polish.

Triggers were:
Firm Contract
Sinking Deeper
Ancient Sunrise

You could use one or all triggers. I chose to use them all.

link to trigger post http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum7/HTML/000008.html

Let me know if you want to read the whole thing.

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I lived there for 37 years, well off and on anyway. My parents bought the house a few years after it had been built. I was 3 then, so I guess it’s fitting that the house and I are over-the-hill in the same year.

After my parents had died, they left me the house. It had always been my home even when I had my own place. They had kept good care of it. There was only so much that my dad could do.

In his latter years his congestive heart failure prevented him from doing much of anything strapped to an oxygen tank. And my mom, well, my mom couldn’t do anything without getting frustrated out of her mind when it didn’t go just right. OCD ran in the family and she had to stick to her ‘routines’.

“Well, the foundation is sinking, and it’s getting deeper.

[This message has been edited by Alye (edited December 17, 2007).]

Posted by MasterTrek (Member # 7272) on :

I like it. But you're right, it needs some polish. I'd be happy to read the rest of it. Send it on over!

Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

Sent =)

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Sorry you missed the deadline!

I wasn't grabbed by this opening (though incidentally, my house is sinking too!). There were some tense confusions as well, and a missed comma here or there. The likeness between both him and the house reaching middle age didn't work for me, since houses have a much longer life span than a human.

Posted by CrazyDude (Member # 6811) on :

There are only two things that bothered me about this. One of them is the use of the word "well". It seems to pop up quite a lot and the use of it this many times was distracting to me. Might just be my own preference though.

The other thing is that there isn't much of a hook here. So a guy lives in a house and its starting to settle. How is this going to spark our interest? However, I like the style in which it is written enough to read on. It's very fluid and reads so that you can pick up on the character's personality.

Looks good. Needs a few more touches.

-CrazyDude

[This message has been edited by CrazyDude (edited December 18, 2007).]