This is my Writers of the Future entry. No readers unless they can burn through 13000 words in a day or two, nothing else would be helpful, but I thought I toss some fresh meat into the waters.
Tentatively titled: My Father's Son
I checked the last of five snares I had set in the shin-deep summer snows. The bait hadn't even been nibbled. Subzero winds tore at my cloak like an angry cave-lion, so I bundled tighter and hurried to the cave entrance that I called home. Though Mother and Father had known the cities of the Clean Zones, all I knew were the Blastedlands.
The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potent I felt Uncle Benny's presence. I got a warm feeling in my belly when he was around--like cocoa he sometimes brought.
"I'm telling you the boy has it, Stephen." Uncle Benny's voiced echoed through the tunnels. "And if you'd stop denying it, you'd know it, too. The signs are everywhere, for Ja Ova's sake."
NEW VERSION BELOW
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 20, 2007).]
Posted by psnede on :
I really like the intro. I'm picturing a desolate world after an epidemic or more likely, a nuclear disaster? Clean zones and Blastedlands are painting this picture.
No negative comments, I'd keep on reading...
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
I liked it. Should it be "potently" in:
The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potent I felt Uncle Benny's presence.
or
The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potent I felt from Uncle Benny's presence.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Okay,
One of the problems with thriteen lines is it isn't enough to get a feeling for where you may be headed. 'The summer-snows' suggest some sort of future disaster tale. Nuclear war/ Ice age type of thing. Which would make a thing like cocoa really rare. Especially since it requires a tropical enviroment to grow. Hard to get if it snows during the summer.
>The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potent I felt Uncle Benny's presence.
I agree with WouldBe on this one. Perhaps...
The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potent I felt by Uncle Benny's presence.
may work too. Also this...
>--like cocoa he sometimes brought.
I think it could use a 'the'
--like the cocoa he sometimes brought.
Good luck Babbler.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 19, 2007).]
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
From context, I would say that "the more potent I felt Uncle Benny's presence" should be "the more potently I felt Uncle Benny's presence."
I'd also agree with Snapper on: "like the cocoa he sometime brought."
That's all I've got. Pretty good. I'd read on.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited December 20, 2007).]
Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :
quote: I checked the last of five snares I had set in the shin-deep summer snows.
I would cut the words "I had set." If he's checking them, I'm going to assume that he set them. Not a big deal, but it uses fewer words and keeps the meaning.
quote:and hurried to the cave entrance that I called home.
"That I called home" sounds odd. I feel like you're throwing information at me, rather than working it into the story.
Neither of these are large issues, but I think addressing them would help. Overall, I think its really good. Good luck with it.
Posted by KPKilburn (Member # 6876) on :
Sounds like an interesting story. Can't really offer anything that hasn't already been pointed out.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
I agree with what has been said.
"The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potent I felt Uncle Benny's presence." Potent, used here, seems to be in the wrong place. Maybe:
"The deeper I went into the widening cavern. the more I felt Uncle Benny's potent presence."
" - like cocoa he sometimes brought." Feels incomplete. " - like that from the cocoa he sometimes brought to stave off the numbing cold.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 20, 2007).]
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
IB - shoot it at me. I'll work on it tonight instead of the other one.
On the 13 - Mostly nits -
quote: I checked the last of five snares I had set <-- I think you can cut this in the shin-deep summer Would they still call it summer? snows. The bait hadn't even been nibbled. Subzero winds tore at my cloak like an angry cave-lion Nice , so I bundled tighter and hurried to the cave entrance that I called home He only called the entrance home?? Okay, so I know what you mean but how about - the cave that now served as my hom? . Though Mother and Father why not - my parents?? had known the cities of the Clean Zones, all I knew were the Blastedlands.
The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the more potently I felt Uncle Benny's presence. I got a warm feeling in my belly when he was around--like the cocoa he sometimes brought.
"I'm telling you the boy has it, Stephen." Uncle Benny's voiced echoed through the tunnels. "And if you'd stop denying it, you'd know it, too. The signs are everywhere, for Ja Ova's sake."
Nice scene setting. I assume we are shortly after the a nuclear disaster since the parents knew the pre-disaster world and exotics like coco are still available.
Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :
I like this, my only nit is using stuff like 'Clean Zones' and 'Blastedlands' in the first 13. I'd rather see a description, not names.
quote:Though Mother and Father had known the cities of the Clean Zones, all I knew were the Blastedlands.
I think this could be taken out entirely.
The only reason I mention this is it cheapened the first 13 for me. I read about 'Wastelands', 'Bad Zones', 'Wastes', 'Fallout Zones' all the time. I think it would be fine to introduce later... but maybe not in the first couple pages.
Aside from that I like it quite a bit.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
halogen, this is the last line of the "free" paragraph, and I want to foreshadow that this is at the heart of the story. While I appreciate your opinion--and would probably agree if I didn't know where it goes next--I disagree. But, thank you.<--That goes for everyone.
To all of the others, does this read better?
quote: I checked the last of my snares in the shin-deep summer snows. The bait hadn't even been nibbled. Subzero winds tore at my cloak like an angry cave-lion, so I bundled tighter and hurried to the entrance of the cave that I called home. Though Mother and Father had come from the cities of the Clean Zones, all I knew were the Blastedlands.
The deeper I went into the widening cavern, the stronger I felt Uncle Benny's presence. I got a warm feeling in my belly when he was around--like the rare cocoa that he sometimes brought.
"I'm telling you the boy has it, Stephen." Uncle Benny's voiced echoed through the tunnels. "And if you'd stop denying it, you'd know it, too. The signs are everywhere, for Ja Ova's sake."
[The word "sake." is actually the entire 14th line.]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 20, 2007).]
Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :
Nice, and the second version does read better. I just have one comment, and it's in the "nit" category.
"The deeper I went into the widening cavern." Many caves have a vertical dimension, so deeper may imply "further down" when you really mean "farther back." Also you might want to consider a stronger verb than "went." (like I said, nit).
Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :
quote:...the stronger I felt Uncle Benny's presence
Ah! Don't italicize to change the meaning of a word. It makes the reader aware of the writer. And I think you get the same meaning across without the italics.
Otherwise, great rewrite.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Do you get the same meaning? It's not a "feeling" as much as a "sensing".
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
The way I read it wasn't so much a change in meaning as emphasis. I took it to mean that he "really really felt" his uncle's presence. I'm not a big fan of italicized word. I agree that it makes the writer too evident.
And shouldn't it be "the more strongly I felt Uncle Benny's presence..."? I think you need an adverb there, if you're describing the quality of the act of feeling. If you're trying to describe Uncle Benny's presence, I think you need a form of "to be" to make the sentence work: "The stronger Uncle Benny's presence became."
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
This is pretty nice - i like this 13 very much. Just my opinion, but I would like to "feel" him going into the cave by an appeal to the senses. Some caves are sweltering and humind, some cold and dank - some lliterally "breathe" with air rushing in or out. Some have a moldy odor, or are sulpherous and acrid. By appealing to the senses this way, you could also nicely tie in the feel of Benny's presence - IMO.
"The deeper I went into the widening cavern..." This reads to me that he is going well into the cave. Caves get very dark very quickly - where is the light coming from so that he can see where he is going? How does he know he will not come home to find a cave-lion waiting for him?
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited December 22, 2007).]
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I am going to be in the minority here but I got to say this isn't grabbing me. This version's syntax is better but it lacks the fingers to grab on and pull me in. I think it's this line
>Though Mother and Father had come from the cities of the Clean Zones, all I knew were the Blastedlands.
Not a bad line but misplaced. I think this is too much info too soon. It's as if it was thrown at us to digest. You started to paint a nice picture of his surroundings with the 'shin-deep snows' and the 'sub-zero' winds. Then you stopped to throw in that line. It's like your writing to get good reviews on your first thirteen lines alone. I suggest you take out the "cities of the Clean Zones" and focus on the Blastedlands. That's part of your scene and setting, build on that with your beginning and work in his parents orgins a little further in.
>, the stronger I felt Uncle Benny's presence.
Hmmm, I don't know, how about
the more aware I became of Uncle Benny's presence.
>I got a warm feeling in my belly when he was around
I suggest considering cutting 'in my belly'. I know it's more telling instead of showing but the way it's written gives it the feel of overwriting. I think the 'rare cocoa' is enough to draw the picture for us.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I am not sure I particularly like the cave-lion metaphor. I know someone else commented on it being nice, but it pushed me out of the story early on.
I tried to imagine a wind that would shred his cloak like an angry cave-lion would. I found the metaphor to strong, it made me to conscious of the story-teller and not the story. I would prefer something that really made me feel the bite of those sub-zero winds rather than being forced to imagine the attack of an angry cave-lion (and finding the winds wanting!).
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
You know Skadder, I had the same feeling when I read that. I pictured winds so violent that his cloak was shredded to ribbons and the flesh on his back bloodied. All very good reasons to stay inside and wait for better weather. Perhaps something a little less violent to describe cold wind? Halogen has some good points as well. 'Clean Zones' and 'Blastedlands' sound so unimaginative. Pulpy even.
Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :
It's a rare metaphor that is good enough to keep and to tell you the truth I don't think that one is. It is a little cliched and not terrifically accurate. That kind of wind if you've lived in say the rocky mountains for a while is ripping and tearing but in a numbing and rather humbling way.
The Clean Zone thing did seem like a very minor info-dump maybe to establish the spec fiction bone fides. You might say something like typical ripping winter winds of the Blastedlands and get the same idea across.
I didn't get a strong sense of place or sensation. How far to the cave? Did he stumble through a long way? Were his face and hands and feet numb? Did they tingle as he went into the warmer air of the cave? Or was it warmer? How could he see? Was he relieved to get back?
I absolutely agree that you can't tell much in 13 lines, but I didn't feel inside the character's head.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Well, It's off. (It's been in the mail since Dec. 26th) We'll see how it does.
Thank you all for your advice and opinions--especially those to whom I have sent the entirety.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Good luck Blabber.
I have another friend that just submitted one to WOTF and it is very good. I'm going to place mine into next quarters competition. That is if I can stop avoiding it.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Thanks.
You do know we started a WOTF Hatrack Group this Quarter, don't you?
I'm going to be focusing on my collaborative novel for next quarter of the WOTF, but there are others who are getting serious about it, too.
Posted by WriterDan (Member # 6456) on :
Hey, sorry I didn't get back to this in time. Looks like things went well though. I really like the new title. Did you keep it "My Father's Son" like you posted? Or did the tentative title get ousted? Pure curiosity at this point, I guess. Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
Okay, so I know what you mean but how about - the cave that now served as my hom? . Though Mother and Father why not - my parents?? had known the cities of the Clean Zones, all I knew were the Blastedlands.