Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Suicide Circuits

This is topic Suicide Circuits in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

“Well, you shouldn’t have been such a ****ing adulterous bitch, should you?”
Zach pulled the trigger of his police-issue D9 hand-gun. The blast of white hot plasma burned straight through the left side of Stephanie’s face. The spent plasma crackled and spat as it struck the faded motel room wall behind. There was moment of silence, then her lifeless body crashed onto the ancient coffee table, splintering its wooden legs.
Zach looked at her, wide-eyed and open-mouthed. His anger evaporated away, leaving only the shredded remains of his heart.
“Why did you make me do it?” He whispered. “I loved you.”
Tears spilled down his cheeks, but she was gone. He had spent his life catching criminals; he had never thought he would become one.

I will say in my defence that the story is about the gun, which is why it is named so specifically. This is a flash story I completed last night about 650 words

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 23, 2007).]

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

Only 650 words?!! You have my admiration for writing one so short, I'm seriously hard pressed to get mine any less than 4000

I think you are maybe starting this one in the wrong place, that first line didn't quite sit right with me, I think it might be more effective if you opened with one or two sentences describing Zach's emotions, the rage broiling through him, the pain in his heart, just something to introduce the reader to the scene.

Would he notice the plasma hitting the wall behind his wife after he's just shot her in the face? Obviously you know him better than I do, but maybe he should focus more on the wife's face, is their disbelief in a single remaining eye before the life fades from her? Describing something like that might add more power to the scene than plasma hitting a wall.

His anger evaporated away, leaving only the shredded remains of his heart. “Why did you make me do it?” He whispered. “I loved you.” Seems a little weak to me, I think he needs a stronger reaction here.

The "criminal" thought at the end also struck me as odd, the kind of thing somebody would think after robbing a grocery store or something. This would be fine if Zach was only concerned about getting away with the murder, but the previous comment that he loved his wife suggests he'd be thinking something stronger than that he his now a criminal.

Anyway, I just realized all my comments are asking for more detail which would make the word count shoot up - maybe that's why I can never write flash fiction

Good luck with it!

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

<aside>yay! welcome back, monstewer!</aside>
My problem with this is that I have no sympathy for the main character. Nor does what he do or feel seem really unique. Hence, no hook.

Maybe you could give us a hint as to what's unusual about the gun? Or maybe you did, but I sure didn't catch it. That would be enough to make me read on. As it stands, though, I'm not too interested. Is it that it drove him to violence, when he might otherwise not?