This, along with 'Sirensong' and a third story I'm yet to type up, is part of a cycle of short stories with a common thread but three different styles and genres (SF for this one, SF erotica for 'Sirensong' and SF humour for 'Geronimo & the Whale').
CORAL
Dr Bradshaw hadn’t always had scales. I was struggling to get used to them. Here, as he snaked across the lab floor beneath fluorescent lighting, they flashed like the bottoms of brass pans. As if in response, my flesh crawled with goosebumps, almost becoming scaly itself. The sound of thick plates sliding over smooth concrete trilled as beads over marble might, and that such an elegant noise came from so deadly a creation only made my skin crawl further. It seethed.
‘Isn’t she beautiful?’ the doctor asked, watching the whale pirouette in its cubic home. ‘And her payload . . . ’
My hands were pressed tight to the glass, separated only by a layer of sweat. Adrenaline pummelled my temples; I found it hard to breathe.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 10, 2008).]
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Hm, I'm having a little more trouble with this one. I like the image of the doctor. However, a lot of the MC's reactions felt overblown, trying too hard and clamoring for attention. Can goosebumps really make one's skin almost scaly? Thick plates sliding over concrete would, I think, sound more like scraping than "trilling", and do beads on marble really "trill"?
The set up, however, is intriguing.
Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :
Thanks Anne. I'm still in the process of typing this one up. I'll pass it on when I do anyway, but you don't have to read it, of course. This is the story where we find out where the whale comes from.
Adam xxx
Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :
I liked this one better - it was less... intangible.
Just line-edits, really:
'they flashed like the bottoms of brass pans' - I'd find a better simile.
'As if in response, my flesh crawled with goosebumps, almost becoming scaly itself' - why not just simply have her say 'they made my flesh crawl'. It's more direct, and I think more effective for the brevity. Plus, I don't think goosebumps can feel like scales, either.
'The sound of thick plates sliding over smooth concrete trilled as beads over marble might, and that such an elegant noise came from so deadly a creation only made my skin crawl further' - firstly, look at your similes again. Why have you chosen to compare it to beads? Beads are not unpleasant. If, however, you'd said something like 'the sound of plates... grated on me like the sound of fingernails down a blackboard', then you'd be likening the sound to something unpleasant, which would add to the idea that your POV character doesn't like the scales. Secondly, you're repeating yourself - we already know that the scales make her skin crawl, so why labour the point? Lastly, I agree with annepin that the scales would scrape, not trill (and I'm not sure beads would trill, either. If they were glass beads, they would 'tinkle'. Otherwise, I'm sure there are other words).
'It seethed' - her skin seethed? That's a pretty violent image - I think it's a little excessive.
Here's my example (please excuse the rubbish knife simile - I'm not suggesting you use it, but it'll do in a pinch to demonstrate what I mean about choosing similes for a reason):
'Dr Bradshaw hadn’t always had scales. I was struggling to get used to them. Here, as he snaked across the lab floor beneath fluorescent lighting, they flashed like knives. They made my skin crawl. Thick plates scraping over smooth concrete set my teeth on edge, like the sound of fingernails down a blackboard. I winced.'
Sorry to rewrite your work, I'm just trying to show you what I'm getting at.
Anyway, no problems after 'It seethed', though your POV character seems to get very panicky all of a sudden - I'd tone down the 'Adrenaline pumped my temples' sentence.
All that said, I'd still read on - I'm intrigued.
Hope this helped .
Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 23, 2007).]
Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :
There's a lot of information here, and I'm a bit confused. It seems that Dr Bradshaw goes from slithering around the floor to admiring the whale in its tank? The abrupt shift made me think there was an additional doctor present, who was referring incorrectly to Dr. Bradshaw as "she." It took me a couple of passes to realize who was talking and that "she" is the whale.
And I'm still not sure about the "deadly creation" referred to in para. 1. Seems to be Dr. Bradshaw, but I'm having a hard time with that out of context. And whose claws? The doctor's? Martin's? (I realize that this all may very well be explained in the next unseen line or two...)
Despite these difficulties, though, you have something interesting going on here.
.