Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Not Like the Joneses

This is topic Not Like the Joneses in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by psnede on :

This is a short story using the micro-fiction contest entry I had as a trigger. I'm around 1100 words into it, not sure how long it will be (prob. around 3000 or so). Let me know what you think.

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“Okay, remember now -- you're Devon Jones and I’m Ruth Jones.”
“I can’t believe I let you talk me into this.”
“Oh give it a rest, you can be such a bore sometimes.” Ruth, or so she called herself this evening, ran her fingers along the raised edges of the stolen invitation. Why do the Joneses get to have all the fun? They won’t miss one day’s worth of mail. She looked out the passenger window of their Toyota sedan, eagerly anticipating the night ahead.
Ruth looked down at the invitation and saw the gold seal of two dragons circling each other like yin and yang. Their heads reflected off of the passing streetlights, filling Ruth with excitement.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

This one didn't really work for me. I think it could be enticing, the prospect of two people going to a party pretending to be somebody else could be an excellent hook but the first line put me off straight away, this reminder seemed directed at the reader, seemed false in some way, unless "Ruth" thinks her companion an idiot who can't remember two simple names. I think a more effective opening would be either an indication of why this party is so important (i'm guessing it is important) as the story stands they could be going to any run of the mill party - no great hook there, I think we really need something to draw us in to this, at least some indication of where this story is headed.

Ruth, or so she called herself this evening this struck me as an odd line, I'd prefer to know something about "Ruth" here, even if it is only her real name, just something to make me associate with the character a little more.

The writing seems fine, I just need something more - whether it is about the party or the MC - just to pull me into the story more, to care about what is about to happen.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

I agree, the first two lines are weak -- "As you know, Ruth, man first landed on the moon in 1969..."

On the other hand the set-up has a lot of potential. How about, as a first line (let's assume "Ruth"'s real name is Sue):

Sue looked down at the stolen invitation and saw the gold seal of two dragons circling each other like yin and yang.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

You could skip the setup and start at the entrance to the party. I don't know if they'll be challenged about their identity, but the first hint that they're fakers could be at the door. Something like:

"Hello, welcome to our party. I'm Tom, and you are . . . ?"

Fred flashed his stolen invitation <with dragon stuff>. "I'm Devon Jones, and this is my wife, Ruth."

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

The writing is clear and I have a good idea of what is happening which is very good. But I'm not hooked.

I had a bit of trouble figuring out who was telling me this story. First I thought it was "Devon" but then right after the "or so she called herself this evening . ." line you have POV thoughts from "Ruth" without any transition or line break. Even if you are trying for full Omni, you need the line break to indicate a transition. Also, wouldn't "Devon" know Ruth's real name and think of her that way?

I'd be inclined to start with Ruth looking at the invitation and then quickly jump to when they arrive. The fact that they are pretending to be other people can come out shortly but I need to know why I want to attend this party as another party crasher with them. Wouldbe's suggestion would work well. It lets me know everything your current 13 does but in 2 lines.