Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Honeymoon Bedbugs (Modern Fantasy)

This is topic Honeymoon Bedbugs (Modern Fantasy) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

I've got about five shorts I'm working on, each one I'm trying to take an existing cliche and spin it to a new direction.

Rev 2

quote:

"What if the urge is too strong, what if it gets really bad?" I pull out a twenty-dollar bill and hand it to him.
Leroy grabs at his neck, rubbing at an itch until the area is red and puffy with thousands of tiny scratches from his broken fingernails.
"Well, I mean, you can always have a little, it ain't nothing to have a little. Nothing bad with that." Leroy looks at the twenty, his hands are shaking as he presses it into the front pocket of his mud spattered stone-washed jeans.
There is a muffled crack and Leroy crumples to the ground, a pool of dark red expanding from his forehead. I return the pistol and drop a cloth into the pool. When it is soaked through I gently place it into a plastic bag and return it to

Rev 1

quote:
Last week a man on the train told me how difficult life was when he quit smoking. I remember his puffy red face contorting as he narrated me through his fight to keep on the wagon.
That same week I gave Leroy a few dollars. Leroy is a junkie that spends most of his free time on the streets near my apartment complex. He is always shivering, even in hot summer days like today. His body is one thin peel of yellow bone wrapped in a mud spattered navy blue sweater. His hair is coming out in patches and the bald spots expose thousands of tiny red dots.
Leroy, and that man on the train, couldn't hold a candle to my addiction.

I just have some rough outlines for this story and have only spent a little time writing this first page. I'm already running into a problem. It is a vampire story, but I really don't like the idea of starting out saying "hey, I drink blood, I'm a vampire.". I don't even want to mention it, I want it to be implied.

The problem is if I don't bring it up, the first 13 sound like another washed up woe-is-my-life-junky-story... maybe this is a loose loose situation.

Should I flesh this story out? Or just abandon the idea?

[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 29, 2007).]

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

Reading this I couldn't help having the feeling that you were starting this story in the wrong place. If the man on the train is practically irrelevant to the story why devote such an important paragraph to him? Similarly, I was unmoved by the character of Leo and was too busy wondering about the His body is one thin peel of yellow bone wrapped in a mud spattered navy blue sweater. sentence to really involve myself in the story.

You say you really don't like the idea of starting out saying "hey, I drink blood, I'm a vampire.". but I think you're doing the whole idea a disservice, I can think of many fantastic openings where a vampire is wandering the streets of a gloomy, neon-lit city, fighting against his addiction, fighting against all the temptations placed before him. You don't have to mention /what/ he is, the reader would gather this, but still be pulled into the story with something tangible, rather than some minor characters and situations which are not even important to the story.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Presumably the fact that the MC is a vampire is instrumental to the story. Otherwise, just throwing in a vampire would feel like a device to give a "fresh" spin on something. So, if his being a vampire is instrumental to the story, I think you have to make reference to it somehow. You don't have to say, hey I'm a vampire, I drink blood, but I think you have to hint or show that he's a vampire, or at least that there's more to him than meets the eye.

He thinks like a vampire, not like a human, so if you really get into his head, I think you might be able to pull something out that shows what he is without resorting to telling us. Maybe in a metaphor he thinks up, or a bloody thought, or an immortal perspective. Otherwise, yeah, it does just sound like a washed up druggie story, and I'm not particularly enthralled by Leo or his story.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

Hey Thanks you two, yeah that's what I was afraid of.

What if I started with some dialog? I put up a new revision. Does that lead better into a vampire addiction story, or is it still too junky (now leaning towards serial killer)?

[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 28, 2007).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Here's your hook:

quote:
I return the pistol and drop a cloth into the pool. When it is soaked through I gently place it into a plastic bag and return it to my coat pocket.

I don't like starting with dialogue in general. Here, it works because you move into the action and the scene quite quickly.

I almost missed the pistol shot, though, because the critical line is a little weak:
[quote}There is a muffled crack and Leroy crumples to the ground, a pool of dark red expanding from his forehead.[/quote]

But I like Rev 2 much better. I would turn the page.