The crowd jostled against one another like crackers in a vacuum-packed box. "Five minutes, and William Wallace will take the stage, we've won by a landslide!" came a booming voice over the loudspeaker. It had been an arduous campaign, a grass roots write-in candidacy the likes of which had never been seen in all of America's history, a miracle! The people began to take their seats in the hall, the sound of excited and hopeful chatter dimmed as did the lights, all but for one spotlight, focused on the podium on the flag-bedecked stage. Stage right, behind a red velvet curtain, Samantha chewed a fingernail, took a deep breath and walked hesitantly on to the stage, wondering what she was going to say.
How could she tell the people that the candidate they'd elected to office was actually her dog, Willie?
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
Cute. Amusing. Seems like a clever story. The opening paragraph felt a little removed to me, but it works since we focus in on Samantha pretty quickly.
I was, however, rather put off by the opening simile. It just didn't work for me. Crackers in a vacuum-packed bag won't jostle, so was the point of the comparison that the people in the crowd were padked together they _couldn't_ move? Don't know, for an opening line I thought it necessitated far too much thought.
Posted by Tina Hoffman (Member # 7323) on :
Sorry to make you think that hard! How about this for an opening simile:
"The crowd jostled one another like fans at a rock concert."
??
This is just a little bit of the story, the reader's digest 13 fragment glimpse, if you will. Glad you at least found it cute and amusing.
Thanks for the read and comments! All comments are always considered and appreciated.
Best, Tina
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
It works better in that it conjures a ready, vivid image. However, it's pretty cliche and makes the whole opening fall flat. I think that's the danger with starting off with a simle--you have to find one that's fresh and interesting, and yet not confusing or contradictory, imo.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
Yup, that last line would definitely have me reading on
Minor nits mostly, the "we've won by a landslide" rang a little false to me, I got the impression that the crowd was already celebrating and waiting the appearance of their champion and so would already know this.
And flag-bedecked stage. Stage right, behind a red velvet curtain, Samantha chewed a fingernail, took a deep breath and walked hesitantly on to the stage - too many "stages" for me.
And I agree with Annepin about the simile at the opening, I even think that you might start with Samantha nervously walking onto the stage without really losing anything from the story.
Looks good, good luck with it!
Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :
I'd say you could condense all but the last sentence of the first paragraph into a single sentence, or a couple of short ones. Probably drop the simile all together.
I tripped on the name William Wallace, which conjured up images of Scottish patriots, and (unfortunately for your story) Mel Gibson.
But an interesting opening, nonetheless, and I'd read on.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
You could push the story forward by having a newsperson interview Samantha, which I take to be the campaign manager/owner. It could happen during the crowd gathering you've already established, but reveal a bit more. For example:
"You've won, so why hide your candidate's true identity now? Who is 'Happy' really? Is your candidate ready to fill the former mayor's shoes?"
"Two pairs, actually...."
Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :
I don't like 'like' in most descriptions.
It ain't 'like' crackers. It IS crackers. How is it crackers? well...
