Just started this one off. Thought I would get some feedback on the hook.

Thanks in advance,

T2

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The repetitive echoes of the drip… drip… drip… sound pulled Chusunc from his early evening sleep. When his conscious mind realized what he was hearing, his body tensed for battle. No one in his clan would be careless enough to permit a leak. There was no surplus of liquid in their desert caves, so what little could be found got hoarded away for the later, even drier season. Chusunc allowed his outer two eyes to blink, but kept a constant vigil for danger with his middle tilak eye. The dark red-black images it returned showed no intruder.
Assured there was no immediate danger, he released his taloned grip on the cave roof and plunged towards the floor. He saw that others, alerted by the same sound, were doing the same. Just before he struck, he shoved his arms away from his body.

[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 31, 2007).]
 

quote:

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There was no surplus of liquid in their dessert caves,

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Seriously, I thought this was a solid 13. There was enough of a hook to keep me reading, and I liked the foreign feel of it. Good job.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 30, 2007).]
 

Some nits:

I think you mean desert caves, not dessert caves--unless they really do have caves reserved for eating dessert.

"When his conscious mind realized ..." seems to me a little clumsy. I wondered, how could he realize something without a conscious mind?

Finally, we're in Chusunc's mind, so would he think of releasing "his taloned grip" or just "his grip"? I'm not sure it matters, just a thought.

Again, great start,
Pat