Ockley grinned crookedly and inverted his cracked mug, dumped the remainder of the rancid beer on his new best friend's lap. The big Russian fell back with a laughable attempt to curse in English and swung automatically, forgetting that his fist still death-gripped his own glass. The stout vessel didn't shatter against Ockley's skull but the impact was murderous, a blow to be expected from such a bear of a man. The squat Irish Tanker spun off his stool and cleared a nearby tabletop of anything not lifted to safety in the wary grasp of patrons. The table tipped on three remaining legs and Ockley slid to the floor among the other trash.
This was to be my 2x2 entry, but I guess I'm impatient. I'll just make another one.
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited January 01, 2008).]
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I felt a little disconnected from this one. Two people are fighting in a bar and yet I know nothing about either of them or why they're fighting. I kind of got the impression that it is a bit of a play fight but I wasn't too sure.
I'd have liked more indication of who the POV character is, it seems to start with Ockley but then switches in the same paragraph to the Big Russian, I had to read it a couple of times to understand that Ockley wasn't the Big Russian.
So little really to pull me in, maybe if we had more indication of how the characters feel. Is Ockley scared? Enjoying himself? Angry?
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I had to read this twice to figure out who was who and who was doing what. The tone feels distant; thus I'm not particularly drawn in by these events.
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
I have to agree. It's difficult sometimes to start directly in the middle of a high action scene, only because the reader doesn't know either the characters nor the situation. It's difficult to become engaged immediately in this without rereading.
The writing is perfectly fine, although at the last the hyperbole is really showing.
Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :
Yeah I 'spose I should name the Russian Tanker. Might make picking him out a little easier. I dunno I've always been a sucker for action starts. I kind of expect the writer to help me sort the mess out in the following paragraphs.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Supra,
This is just my opinion so you it may be a good idea to disregard it BUT, I must say I disagree with our colleagues. This is exactly how a story should begin. It introduced two characters in the middle of an action scene. I got a clear view of the bar and the table being knocked over. You didn't overwrite or write down to the reader. I'm hooked as would any editor would be. I would need to know what is about to happen on the next page. Great Job. Forget needing to introduce all the characters on the first page. Don't worry about how Okley is 'feeling', doing so would be writing down. The situation can be determined in the next few paragraphs. I do not feel it is a distant tone either. It is how an opening intending to hook a reader should read.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 04, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 04, 2008).]
Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :
I'm okay with the action opening, but I'd hope to get some explanation as to why they're scuffling in the next few paragraphs.
I agree that it's distant, though, and while you don't have to get all touchy-feely, putting it into his POV would help a lot.
Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :
Guys and gals... thankyoumuch for the input! Ockley is a recurring character... you'l see him alot in my work, and sometimes I'm too familiar with him for a short story. I plan that if this work is indeed, uh, workable it'll be a serial novel... and when doing that a tone gets set and you can run with it. Not so with stand-alones and 13 lines. So every little bit helps. I look forward to catching up with y'all.