Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Red Dancer 1st 13

This is topic Red Dancer 1st 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :

Haven't posted here for a while
Just started a new short story (SF, but the first 13 don't show it) and wanted opinions. Comments please! Thanks all

The two swarthy boys lay hidden in the shadows of the sword-grass growing at the edge the road between Duhr and Guisson. Their breathing was soft and shallow in the oppressive heat of the afternoon sun, but their eyes danced nervously between each other and the furrowed bole of the Resting Tree. Here the road from Duhr struggled up a steep rise and travelers often paused under the lone tree perched at the top of the hill. Its umbrella of golden yellow spears of leaves shone across the arid valley as a singular beacon on the steppes of the Southern Breccia.
The smaller of the two boys gripped a shard of broken elephant tusk in his left hand and a smooth stone in his right. He was ready to follow his brother.

[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited January 02, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

My first thought was, who's watching this? It's a very clear description, but it sounds like someone is watching him from a far; consequently, I wasn't particularly pulled in by the opening.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

Who's watching this? That didn't bother me. A lot stories open with a narrator then slide into a pov. Some are narrated through the whole tale.

No, what bothered me was there wasn't anything to intrigue me. I'm sure the idea was to intrigue me about why the boys were waiting, hidden, with weapons near where travelers would stop and be vulnerable...but I'm sorry, that did not work -- for me. I needed something more. Something more intriguing.

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I have to agree, there's little here to keep me interested enough to read on. Two boys are waiting to jump out on someone and yet we aren't given any indication of who they are waiting for.

You say they glance nervously to each other but that doesn't really help me picture the boys or the scene. Are they filled with nervous excitement? Are they afraid? I think if you show more of how they feel then it might be enough for a reader to turn the page, if the boys are terrified then I for one would be interested enough to read on to find out what is headed their way thay is so frightening.

Apart from that I quite enjoyed the writing, though umbrella of golden yellow spears of leaves read a little odd to me, I like the rest of that sentence though, nice strong image.

Good luck with it

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

The two swarthy boys [Names?] lay hidden in the shadows of the sword-grass growing at the edge the road between Duhr and Guisson. Their breathing was soft and shallow in the oppressive heat of the afternoon sun, but their eyes danced nervously between each other and the furrowed bole of the Resting Tree.<--[Has some building intensity.] Here the road from Duhr struggled up a steep rise and travelers often paused under the lone tree perched at the top of the hill. Its umbrella of golden yellow spears of leaves shone across the arid valley as a singular beacon on the steppes of the Southern Breccia.<--[These two sentences, while well written, quash the earlier building intensity. There's no urgency to the descriptions that would explain the nervous glances between the brothers. You could've waited until we knew the significance of their nervousness.]
The smaller of the two boys gripped a shard of broken elephant tusk in his left hand and a smooth stone in his right. He was ready to follow his brother.[Did his brother go somewhere? If so, I missed it.]

1) A PoV would give us more dimension to the nervousness. However, I am not opposed to well-done omniscient PoVs--you just have to clarify which you want to usher us toward: action? setting? character? You have here a little dab of each, but not enough of any to establish it.

2) Whether cinematic, omniscient, or 3pl we should have their names. Even in 1st person, we should have one.

3) Most importantly, I don't know what I'm reading, or what you promise to conclude. What is the significance of the tree? Gold? Bodies? A pretty girl? A spaceship? A demon? A Tank?

4) What time-period is this in? I ask, because if you go deep enough into some cultures today, they would still seem primitive.

I hope this helps.