Hatrack River Writers Workshop: For want of an ideal (revised); dark fantasy, 4100 words

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Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

Hi all,
Some of you may remember this story. It's undergone a few changes since the last time I posted it here. However, when I presented it to my in-person writer's group, they said the characters were unoriginal and not well developed. So that's what I'm most looking for in reviews, as well as any other helpful comments!

Here's the first thirteen:

The first stone struck Isabelle’s face. It sliced only a small gash across her forehead, but the shock of it dropped her to her knees. Another rock slammed into her shoulder. She bit her lip, trying desperately not to cry out even as tears mingled with the blood dripping down her cheek.
“Let this be a lesson to those who would spread falsehoods and deceit among us,” the mayor intoned, spreading his arms wide. “In this village, we do not tolerate witchcraft.” He licked his lips as he stared down at Isabelle. In her sight, his aura shone a sickly scarlet.
More rocks struck Isabelle, and she curled herself into a ball, hands over her head. So far the stones were small, but before long they crowd would be bold enough to use larger ones, and...

Posted by bigdawgpoet (Member # 7046) on :

I'm all about characters getting stoned right off the bat. ;-)

All levity aside, I would like to read the full piece. Go ahead and send it along!

~Ben (bigdawgpoet)

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

The writing is good, but I have a nit: This story is starting right out of the gate with a cliche. A woman who is accused of being a witch gets stoned while a hate-filled priest watches.

If you started a few minutes before-hand with her being dragged to the town square there might be more potential of suspense. Right now I feel like I've read this scene hundreds of times in other stories, history books, movies and television shows.

The only hook is the fact that she can see auras but that is just a sideline comment. I would suggest reducing the stone-the-witch atmosphere, maybe take it out of the first page and focus on the aura and the priest.

my 2c

Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :

I'd definitely read on, I had no problem with where you start this, puts the reader right into the action and I really want to see how Isabelle gets out of this.

My only problem with this was the sentence In her sight, his aura shone a sickly scarlet. As she is the POV character I think we could guess that she was seeing this if you start the sentence "His aura..." and does she associate the colour of each aura with peoples moods or their character? I think this was a good place to give at least a little hint of what these auras actually represent.

I'll read if you like.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I'll give it a re-read, if you are not in a rush to get it back.

And, I agree with monstewer about dropping the "In her sight". Not so much because it causes a PoV issue (Robin Hobb has that habit in the 1st person Farseer books), but because it helps clean up the clutter and economize your words.

Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

Witch abuse good. 'Turtle read. Ask send. (:

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

halogen - he's the mayor, not a priest, but I know what you mean.

Thanks for the offers to read, everyone. I'll send it out today (no rush on the replies).