Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Fire Team

This is topic Fire Team in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :

I don’t know how long I've sat there, perched like a gargoyle on the thin rail of the hotel balcony. The unfamiliar city has become sleepier as I watch. Laughter from couples returning from adventure and stumbling in embrace to the hiss of the doors five floors below is less frequent it seems. Cold and impersonal, relays click and the lights dim on the nearby office buildings—empty parking lots became dark voids without ceremony. I watch as the world goes on late shift.
I feared heights once, but I know now such is a trivial thing; a personal phobia.
There are far greater things to fear out there. Loneliness seemed my demon of choice tonight. Even that is inconsequential as I look beyond.

Ok, I've just spent the weekend with Kuttner and Howard. This idea is bred of classic high fantasy. I have challenged myself with an alternating POV. I'm gonna try to work it. Rough draft, basically a concept.

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

For me -- personal opinion -- this starts out okay but takes too long to go somewhere.

My thought is that if you want to keep on with the defining the character and moment you need more interesting/telling details to carry it off. Otherwise, get the storyline started after one or two of the more interesting details.

Posted by BoredCrow (Member # 5675) on :

I like it, but the verb tenses just seem... off to me. I'm not an expert grammatician and I'm half asleep, so I can't point to exactly what it is.

I agree with arriki; give us a few interesting character tidbits. Otherwise, I really like your description and it is enough to make me want to read on.

Posted by Preston1022 (Member # 7694) on :

I liked it, i'm trying to see where its going but i still like it.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Hm, I did think this intriguing. At the same time, it feels pretty familiar, akin to Spiderman or Batman waiting for some crime to bust. Maybe there's something you can add to make it distinctly different?

Your verb tenses are a little off. Here's the rest of the nitpicky:

I don’t know how long I've sat "I sat" would work better, I think, or "I've been sitting here." Presumably he's still there, right? there, perched like a gargoyle on the thin rail of the hotel balcony. The unfamiliar city has become sleepier as I watch Hrm... present tense is tricky. I think "becomes sleepier as I watch" or "has become sleepier as I've watched". Laughter from couples returning from adventure and stumbling in embrace to the hiss of the doors five floors below is less frequent it seems Less frequent than what? I thought it's an unfamiliar city. Also, this image is a little cliche.. Cold and impersonal, relays click and the lights dim on the nearby office buildings—empty parking lots became dark voids without ceremony. I watch as the world goes on late shift.
I feared heights once, but I know now such is a trivial thing; a personal phobia I didn't think this really added anything. What else but a personal phobia would a fear of heights be?.
There are far greater things to fear out there. Loneliness seemed my demon of choice tonight. Even that is inconsequential as I look beyond.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 11, 2008).]