It was the erratic buzzling sound of the overhead fluorescents that finally brought him around. The sound, both annoying and mesmerizing, had been tickling his ear like an August housefly smacking away at an afternoon window, until finally his unconscious had brought it to his attention. Consciousness brought with it many questions. Where in Hell was he? It looked like a hospital bed, but what was he doing in a hospital? He did not feel sick. He looked down at his paper-gowned body; something was wrong. He had just enough self-knowledge to know that the feet that poked up from the bed were not his. The flat, muscular torso, while certainly fit, was not his. He held the arms up to look at the hands; not his. He was uncertain how he knew this, only certain that it was true.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
The writing is good over all but unfortunately it's a cliched opening. The MC-wakes-up-not-knowing-where-he-is-and-what's-going-on is a big turn off for many editors. I don't know that the fact that he can tell his body isn't his is enough of a hook to over come that. Sadly, it wasn't for me.
Is there anywhere and any how else you can start the story?
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 11, 2008).]
Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :
Yes it is a tad cliche, but the overall story arc involves the steady accumulation of certain knowledge that leads to a revelatory conclusion. Thank you for responding.
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
I agree with Annepin on this one, I'd have liked at least a little indication of how this story is going to be different to all those we have read/watched before.
I do like some of the writing, especially tickling his ear like an August housefly smacking away at an afternoon window - that was great.
Btw, a lot of people when they post mention how far along the story is, whether it is ready for readers etc. And, if this one is ready for readers, feel free to send it along to me and I'd be more than happy to look at it
Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :
Monstewer: This story is at the 3250 word stage. I have an ending but have not yet reached it. I have this on a backburner as I work on a more pressing stories but I still want to get back to it. Please excuse my ignorance, I would be happy to have you look at this piece, but I do not know how to "send it along", yet.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
"Send it along" in Hatrack-speak means to email it to the requester. You can find their email by clicking on the "profile button" (the one with the question mark) or on the flying envelope button right next to the date marker.
The problem with a cliched opening is that it often doesn't matter how brilliant the rest of the piece is. You run the risk of the editor identifying it as a cliche in the first page and then chucking it into the slush pile without reading further. Maybe the brilliance starts on page 2, but the editor never got here.
Not to say you can't pull it off, but it does make it riskier.
Posted by supraturtle (Member # 1518) on :
Yeah Anne and I are always willing to be test subjects. (: Mail it out.
