AND NOW OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION
Three days before his twenty-first birthday, Janus disappeared. His friend Phil was the first to notice, when he came around the next-afternoon to invite him to a movie. When no-one answered the door, he knew what had happened. Phil shrugged and went on with his life. He had far too much sense to draw attention to himself, so it was only to his closest friends that he whispered “Jan’s done a runner”.
Of course the news spread like wildfire. Phil had known that. He figured Janus needed as many prayers as Phil could deliver. Phil was certain, however, that one place the news would not spread was the headquarters of the Gordian military police. They would have rewarded the informant richly, but no-one would dream of betraying Janus. The police would find out soon enough.
This cuts off just before a shift in POV to Janus, so don't worry that the entire story is this dry.
And now I need to get myself a drink. This is the first work of fiction I've ever shown anyone else so this is quite a triumph over my crippling insecurity,
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
quote:
This cuts off just before a shift in POV to Janus, so don't worry that the entire story is this dry.
On a side note, I personally don't like it when people post their 13 in something other than regular font--this includes italicized and bolded. The reason is that these styles are specific tools for writing, not for differentiating the first 13 from the rest of the post.
And on the the first 13... I did find it a bit dry. But the logic was what bothered me. Phil shrugs and goes on with his life. This seems to imply he could care less. But then he's whispering about it, knowing it will spread like wildfire, so clearly he has some interest in the events that are about to happen. And if the news spread like wildfire, I have a hard time believing the Gordian MP, if they are worth being wary of at all, wouldn't have found out somehow. And how does Phil know no one would betray Janus? Rumors spreading like wildfire imply it's out of his control.
As it stands, he doesn't seem too concerned that Jan's done a runner; consequently, I'm not, either. If the story is going to be in Janus's POV, I'd suggest starting with that. I'm not really pulled in by Phil.
Hope this helps!
Edit: I also removed the Italics. You're right, it is harder to read.
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
I like the concept; I'm looking forward to reading your revised thirteen.
Something like, "Three days before his twenty-first birthday, Janus disappeared. He had planned to, of course...." or equally wry on the subject of Janus's disappearance. To himself, Janus is not disappeared. Just my thoughts.