The drop-off point had been chosen well. So how could everything have gone so badly? Addison rested both elbows on her desk, her eyes focused on the screen of the viewer. It was the third time she had watched the recording, and yet still she felt as though she was missing something. The screen showed a corner of an antique market, sunlight spearing through the window and highlighting the rusted, filth-encrusted junk piled on each table. The dust motes barely stirred in that early morning light as the man approached. Perhaps the most wanted man in the galaxy, and yet his walk was so slow, so measured, almost feminine in its delicacy. A middle-aged man, his hair neatly trimmed, his stomach hanging ever so
Same as always, all comments would be great and if anybody wants to look at the whole thing it's Sci-Fi and 3600. Thanks
Posted by Omakase (Member # 2915) on :
The biggest suggestion I have here is regarding the first two sentences--they seem out of place. You throw this foreshadowing in, but without context, then immediately move on in the narrative, which essentially wastes the opening.
her eyes focused on the screen of the viewer => you could cut "the screen of" and not change the meaning.
He was... perhaps the most (otherwise this is a fragment)
The hook here for me is "the most wanted man in the galaxy"
If you want readers, send it over...
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I didn't have any problems with the first two sentences. However, you might want to stick Addison's name in there, to make it clear that these are POV thoughts rather than some narrator introduction.
Clearly she is just starting to watch the recording. Is this the third time? Or has she already watched it three times, and this is the fourth? If the former, it's a bit misleading to mention the "third time" and then say "yet still felt as though", indicating that feeling comes after three times. But if this is the fourth, you should add something about starting to watch it again.
Interesting.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I liked this opening. I thought it was a clear set up. The first two lines didn't bother me.
I didn't like so much the switch to a more remote, almost passive feeling p.o.v. in the third paragraph. Instead of being told what the screen showed, I'd rather have Addison maybe hit the rewind button one more time and scan the screen, look at an interpret the man on the screen (Who is he? does she know his name? if so, I'd just say it there. If he doesn't have a name does she have some sort of nickname for him or something?)
