Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Undine

This is topic The Undine in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Rake (Member # 7759) on :

I could not understand how a boy could drown in so shallow water. I sat at the brink and could see the sandy bottom clearly under the glittering surface but here the neighbors’ youngest had disappeared not a week ago. Hegin had been four years older than me and though we had played together a couple of times it was a long time since. I lay down and crawled to the edge. Looking down I could see a salmon drifting lazily in the weak current. It seemed to me that the water would barely reach my chest if I stood at one of the larger rocks spread across the sand. Slowly I lowered my hand until it just barely touched the surface; the water was cool against my palm, a welcome chill in a warm day. Perhaps Hegin had hit a rock while trying to dive? I lowered my hand, immersed it completely and

This is a very short story, little more than 1000 words, that I wrote earlier today. It is about a boy who is dragged down by a waterspirit. Not very original, but it was fun to write. I hope you enjoy it

The titel is the first thing that came to mind, so I'll probably change that.

[This message has been edited by Rake (edited January 24, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Rake (edited January 26, 2008).]

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

Rake, this sounds very good. I get no sense of genre from this bit, but the sense of mystery and the promise of answers draws me in. Send it my way.

While there were no major problems as far as I could see at first glance, I have added a paragraph break and rearranged a few words here and there to make it clearer(?).

another way:
________________________________________________________________
I could not understand how a boy could drown in water so shallow. Sitting at the brink, I could clearly see the sandy bottom, yet it was here, not a week ago, that the neighbors’ youngest had disappeared. Hegin had been four years older than I, and though we had played together a couple of times, that was a long time ago.
I lay down and crawled to the edge. Peering into the stream I could see a salmon drifting lazily in the weak current. It seemed to me, that if I stood on one of the larger rocks spread across the sand, the water would barely reach my chest . Slowly I lowered my hand until it just barely touched the surface; the water was cool against my palm, a welcome chill on a warm day. Perhaps Hegin had hit a rock while trying to dive? I lowered my hand, immersed it completely and...

[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited January 24, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 25, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I thought over all this was good, but had a few issues. I couldn't quite pin down his age. The first two lines make him sound like an adult--the reference to "boy" and "neighbors' youngest"--these are terms than an adult would think in. But then we're told that Hegin is only four years older than he is. So, the voice of your character doesn't really come through.

My other issue is that the story feels very static. Granted, it's flash. But the opening lingers on him investigating the water, and seems to indicate that's all the story is going to do for a while. I don't see any action or movement, which, in my opinion, even a flash needs. I suggest cropping this section and moving the story forward.

Finally, just a few nits:

"I could not understand how a boy could drown in so shallow water. I sat at the brink and could see the sandy bottom clearly under the glittering surface but here the neighbors’ youngest had disappeared not a week ago. Hegin had been four years older than me and though we had played together a couple of times it was a long time since. since what? I lay down and crawled to the edge.Maybe a new paragraph here? Looking down I could see a salmon drifting lazily I think "drifting" conveys the action pretty well--you could cut "lazily" in the weak current. It seemed to me that the water would barely reach my chest if I stood at on? one of the larger rocks spread across the sand. Slowly Again, this adverb adds nothing. I lowered my hand until it just barely touched the surface; the water was cool against my palm, a welcome chill in a warm day. Perhaps Hegin had hit a rock while trying to dive? I lowered my hand, immersed it completely and"

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

quote:
I could not understand how a boy could drown in so shallow water (1). I sat at the brink and could see the sandy bottom clearly under the glittering surface but here the neighbors’ youngest had disappeared not a week ago.(2) Hegin had been four years older than me and though we had played together a couple of times it was a long time since.(3) I lay down and crawled to the edge. Looking down I could see a salmon drifting lazily (4) in the weak current. It seemed to me that the water would barely reach my chest if I stood at one of the larger rocks spread across the sand.(5) Slowly (6) I lowered my hand until it just barely (7)touched the surface; the water was cool against my palm, a welcome chill in a warm day. Perhaps Hegin had hit a rock while trying to dive? I lowered my hand,(8) immersed it completely and...

1. People can drown in water of pretty much any depth. You'd probably do better having your MC wonder how such a strong swimmer could drown, rather than commenting on the depth of the water.

2. I can't remember the term for what you've done here, but essentially you're mixing two separate thoughts in the same sentence. Separate this into two sentences, one about your MC looking into the water, and another commenting on Hegin's death.

3. The wording here is a little awkward. I know what you're getting at, but be a little more clear. It had been a long time since what?

4. Adverb. Delete, please.

5. I don't get what you're saying about the rocks your MC would be standing on - reword this for clarity. Also, above you were wondering how a person could drown in such shallow water, and now the water is chest deep? It's very obvious to just about anyone how easy it would be for someone to drown in chest deep water, even a child.

6. Another adverb. Delete, with impunity.

7. Yet another adverb, or close enough not to mater. DELETE!

8. Your MC has just lowered his hand for the second time in two sentences. Something seems fishy here to me.

If this story is sub-1K, you might want to cut to the chase a bit. Still, this isn't a terrible way to start, if you were to clean up some of the clarity issues I mentioned. Also, it might help to focus on certain detail and rid yourself of others, particularly in so short a story. Is the fish in the current important? IS the feeling of cool water on you MC's hand important, or the fact that the river is cool at all important? Can't we assume that the river itself is flowing, and that the water probably isn't room temperature?

This is decently done, and since it's so short I can pretty much guarantee that, were I an editor, I'd read through to the end. I wouldn't buy if these clarity and wording issues continued through the whole piece, but I'd read on.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by Rake (Member # 7759) on :

I could not understand how one could drown in so shallow water. Sitting at the brink, I could clearly see the sandy bottom under the glittering surface, yet it was here, not a week ago, that Hegin had disappeared. He had been four years older than I, and though we had played together a couple of times, that was a long time ago.
I lay down and crawled to the edge. Looking down I could see a salmon drifting in the weak current. It seemed to me, that if I stood at one of the larger rocks spread across the sand, the water would barely reach my knees. I lowered my hand until it just touched the surface; the water was cool against my palm, a welcome chill in a warm day. Perhaps Hegin had hit a rock while trying to dive? I let my hand drag against the current.A pale..

Thanks for all the feedback. Here is a rewritten version that I think deals with most of your advice. I had not understood that there was such a no-no concerning adverbs in English
It is not very important how deep the water is, nor how cold. I thought it would add some atmosphere. Anyway, this is much better than the original.

[This message has been edited by Rake (edited January 26, 2008).]

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

To avoid derailing the thread with what could be a long discussion on adverbs I've started a fresh topic which drifts lazily through the subject of writing adverbialy whilst barely touching the surface here:

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/004586.html

Cheers,
Pat

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Is this dialog? The quotation marks suggest he is talking to someone. This sounds like a fine narrative but as speech it doesn't work for me. Who talks this way?

Posted by Rake (Member # 7759) on :

ah misunderstanding. editing post..

Posted by Rake (Member # 7759) on :

Thank you all for excellent feedback. I found the adverb discussion very helpful. I haven't thought about it much, but I don't think authors recommend cutting adverbs in Swedish (except obvious cases). I'm going to check that, though.

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

Om du skal skrive pa Engelsk sa ma du skrive riktig.

Posted by Rake (Member # 7759) on :

Jag försöker