Jean sighed as she glanced around her shop, looking for anything out of place or anything that needed dusting. Of course everything was perfect. All the crystals, lined up in their lighted cases, each one positioned to show its best qualities, each labeled with care as to medicinal or spiritual use. All the books, organized and arranged. Perfect—because she had nothing better to do.
Business had been slow these past few months, the weather unusually uncooperative, keeping the tourists away. For a while, the locals had shopped her store too, but that had been during the New Age heyday. Now she depended strictly on the Market's
**** I'm well aware that there's no action-packed* hook here. I'm hoping the prose can carry it to where the hook shows up shortly into page 2. That said, I'm particularly looking for readers' ideas on how to make it more hook-y in the first bit without doing the "Blah HOOK!! Backtrack, backtrack, okay back to where we started" thing.
(*Okay, maybe not action-packed, either, but it's not that kind of story. )
Posted by monstewer (Member # 5883) on :
As you have said yourself, there is no real hook here But for such a relatively short story I did found this opening a little meandering, the entire first paragraph could have been cut into one fairly short sentence: "Jean kept the store spotless as she had nothing else to do."
the locals had shopped her store too - should that be shopped at her store?
I'll read if you want to send it my way.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I'll read it, and offer my perhaps-worthless thoughts on where to start. I have trouble with it too, so it'll be an interesting exercise for me to help someone else (if you don't mind being my guinea pig!)
Btw--there's already a mild hook for me--I've always been curious about the sort of "aftermath" of the new-age wave.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 28, 2008).]
Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :
I'd be happy to workshop your story if you want to send it to me. I'm not opposed to a "quiet" opening, and a story set in a New Age shop has some allure, mostly because I don't frequent them, myself. Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :
Hi kathyton, welcome to Hatrack and thanks for offering to crit. While you're at it, you should introduce yourself in the "Next, Please Introduce Yourself" area. Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :
You're right about the low level hook. But, it's real enough and well written enough to be engaging. I find myself wondering what could shatter the normalcy of the normal day. I’ll read.
Tracy
Posted by TheOnceandFutureMe on :
I'll read. It'll be a week or two before I can complete a full, crit, but go ahead and send it my way.
Posted by kathyton (Member # 7780) on :
Oops --- I completely blew past the intro request topic. Kathleen e-mailed me directly, and I still didn't wise up! Thanks for the help. I read through your piece while eating dinner last night and enjoyed it very much. I'll have a real critique for you by the week-end. this is a particularly crazy week at work.
Happy Mardi Gras!
Kathy
Posted by branteaton (Member # 7782) on :
I like what I see so far. I'd like to read more.
Can you add an observation in the POV charcter's thoughts that hints at the conflict that comes later?
Posted by Igwiz (Member # 6867) on :
I'll read. Look forward to it.
Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :
Thanks all! There's no rush on this. It's been stewing for awhile.
But for such a relatively short story I did found this opening a little meandering, the entire first paragraph could have been cut into one fairly short sentence: "Jean kept the store spotless as she had nothing else to do."