Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pro Patria! (Rough 1st draft 1449

This is topic Pro Patria! (Rough 1st draft 1449 - fiction/sci-fi) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Private Honicutt sat on his cot and held the letter close to his nose and sniffed, “Ahh smells like fish and tastes like chicken.” laughing he flopped backwards onto his bed smacking his lips, “mmmm..chicken.”

“Really? It tastes like chicken?” asked Pte Jonas, “I mean, yeah it does.” Jonas ducked his head to avoid a soaring novel, “Hey I lent you that book!”

“Man, I knew you were a virgin!” joked Corporal Puxton, “maybe we’ll take you to Thailand and find a little something to…”

“Shut it Kyle!”

“C’mon Tim I was just..”

“Your greatest sexual escapade is when you switch hands,” Tim opened his letter and started to read.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 04, 2008).]

Posted by tnwilz (Member # 4080) on :

I must suck at critting cos I can't find anything wrong with this very cinematic and engaging opening. I love this and am now frustrated that I can’t read more. How you got these characters so interesting in 13 lines is nothing short of brilliant.

If you need a reader….

What genre is this?

Tracy

Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :

quote:
Private Honicutt Really close to MASH's Hunnicutt sat on his cot and held the letter close to his nose and sniffed, “Ahh smells like fish and tastes like chicken.” I'm taking this literally, so now I'm confused. laughing he flopped backwards onto his bed smacking his lips, “mmmm..chicken.”
“Really? It tastes like chicken?” asked Pte What's a Pte? Jonas, “I mean, yeah it does.” confusion not abating here
Jonas ducked his head to avoid a soaring novel, “Hey I lent you that book!”
“Man, I knew you were a virgin!” ah. sexual innuendo between (assumed) male military personnel. joked Corporal Puxton, “maybe we’ll take you to Thailand and find a little something to…”
“Shut it Kyle!” who says this?
“C’mon Tim I was just..”
“Your greatest sexual escapade is when you switch hands,” Tim opened his letter and started to read.

Not much of a hook here for me. The dialog is fine, but I'm personally not really interested in reading this sort of banter for more than two sentences.

The opening situation is mundane, and could take place in any of a host of settings. Let us know where we are, add some details to ground us, to show why this is different (or going to be different) and therefore worth reading on. If it's the letter that's interesting, get to it sooner. If something else, then start there.

I'm also having trouble with the number of characters and their various names. We have Honicutt, Jonas, Puxton, Kyle, Tim, and three different ranks. It's a lot to take in in such a short space without some careful phrasing and attribution.