Here's the first 13 - please post critiques of them here, and email me if you're interested in reading the rest.
Thanks!
quote:
The manor house loomed over me in the darkness as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into bankruptcy and disrepute. Abandoned to the wind and the wolves when the lordling fled in disgrace, something darker had taken up residency. Something that held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness. Something that had birthed and fed the rage and hate in my heart for two long years.Something that needed killing.
I cautiously approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly, slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through the bronze lockplate, then plugging the
REVISED 2-6-2008:
quote:
The manor house loomed in the moonlight as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into disgrace. Now, something darker had taken up residency in its moldering halls. It held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness, this thing that had birthed and fed rage and hate in my heart for two long years.I approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly, slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through the lockplate, then plugging it with dark wax to conceal my work. Two nights ago, I had finally pierced the
[This message has been edited by xardoz (edited February 06, 2008).]
My take:
quote:
The manor house loomed over me in the darkness as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. [Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into bankruptcy and disrepute. Abandoned to the wind and the wolves when the lordling fled in disgrace,<--[Sounds like an info-dump. I suggest something short, like: Once the minor lordling lost the deed to misfortune,] something darker had taken up residency. [Something that<--Maybe trade one of these something's for: It] held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness[--]and fed the rage and hate in my heart for two long years.Something that needed killing. [at some point, this becomes intentionally withholding. The story shouldn't hinge on what it is; you just established it was a revenge plot.]
I [cautiously<--I don't think you need this. If we don't know by now he's cautious (slipping over the wall), we're bound to think it's too late.] approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly[Maybe you should open with this.], slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through
I'll give it a read, if there's no rush.
[This message has been edited by xardoz (edited February 05, 2008).]
quote:repeats fallen/fell verb. This may be intentional parallel structure: it feels awkward to me.
fallen into disrepair as its owner fell
More, please! (brant.eaton@gmail.com)
Even though critiquers are not supposed to rewrite anything for you (some do though, and they need to ask permission first), they need RTF or text or Word DOC files so they can insert their comments right into your manuscript.
Please don't even bother with PDF for feedback. RTF is much more helpful for you and for your critiquers.
I'll read if you need
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited February 05, 2008).]
Thanks, Kathleen, for the heads-up on the format - I prefer RTF to DOC, since RTF is pretty much universal. Most word processors can handle DOC format, but I've run into some that don't. I offered PDF just in case.
quote:
The manor house loomed in the moonlight as I slipped over the low wall and into the weed-choked gardens. Once the summer home of a minor lordling, it had fallen into disrepair as its owner fell into disgrace. Now, something darker had taken up residency in its moldering halls. It held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness, this thing that had birthed and fed rage and hate in my heart for two long years.I approached an unused side door. None of the tells I'd left had been disturbed. For two weeks I had been visiting the door nightly, slowly and quietly boring a tiny hole through the lockplate, then plugging it with dark wax to conceal my work. Two nights ago, I had finally pierced the
quote:Actually, there's another problem with this particular passage that I just noticed. It says that the rage and hate had been birthed for two long years. Those would be long labor pains! I'd suggest logically separating "birthed" from the time period meant for "fed".
It held the village below in a grip of fear that bordered on madness, [this thing that--> and] had birthed and fed rage and hate in my heart for two long years.
The other suggestion is that you go through the entire story, trimming the overgrown verbage as you did from this section.
I, too, would read more if I had time.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 07, 2008).]
I’m a big fan of putting in more active, specific details rather than using vague, generics.
Like –
Looming in the moonlight – what does that actually entail? Especially AS the pov is “slipping” over the low wall. Board wall? Stone wall? Brick wall? How high is low? Two feet? One meter? Three meters?
What I mean by not using generics is this (not the details of your story, just something similar to show what I mean) --
With one foot I felt around for the big stone I’d left in place. Found it, then slid the rest of the way over the brick wall down into a tangle of rosebushes and berry vines. Ahead, Throckmorton manor loomed above its overgrown formal gardens. Moonlight silvered the broken windows and left creepy shadows under the eaves. I waited, listening. I saw no signs of whatever had taken up residency, but that didn’t mean the manor was unoccupied. Off in the village tonight, doors were warded with garlic and the pub had emptied by dark. All week something had been killing cats and dogs. Yesterday afternoon Josiah Brown’s cow had its throat ripped out, and now little Katie Willson was missing. The village knew whatever stalked such prey had to come from here.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 07, 2008).]